Written by Anan E Maus
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Topics: Politics

Thursday, 10 February 2011

image for KLA Declared Idiotic, Celebratory Looting and Rioting Engulfs Town

KITTERY, Maine-In a sweeping 45-0 decision, the Kittery Council for Betterment And The Removal of Morons (or KCBRM), has elected that all 49 members of the Kittery Library Association will be banished from the town, due to their obvious stupidity and their constant victimizing and insulting of the true intelligentsia of the town.

The members of KCBRM have felt that the very presence in their town of such a shitty body of people, morons all, is dragging down the collective intellect of the town, causing it and it's people to adopt some of the various stages and appearances of the vilest, most extreme apedom and devolution.

Among the many crimes of the KLA cited by the KCBRM, the largest and most heinous was their 15 years too late decision to move the two-building, street-divided library; located at 8 Wentworth Street and 2 Walker Street, respectively; to the annex of the storied Frisbee Common (previously Frisbee Elementary and Middle Schools), in an attempt to appease the over 5 handicap people of Kittery, who have no or limited access to either library...especially their second floors.

However, though the possibility of utilizing the vast space-and elevators-of the larger, taller, wider main building was an option, the librarians and their fetid, fervent supporters declined taking it, and opted for the smaller, one-story building...yet just last week declared it too small for their needs! Thus, they have been collecting donations to enlarge the annex, but not by the intelligent method of adding a second story to it, opting instead to tear down the ancient, famous, well-loved, signature building and build a whole new and possibly out-of-place and outlandish one in it's place.

This was too much for the logical, intelligent members of the KCBRM, and in a secret midnight, candlelight and clandestine session, the vote was held and the decision was made: Get the idiots out of our town before they can cause more damage! The news of this grand victory for intelligent, logical people (and particularly Kittery citizens) was officially announced at 8am this morning.

The townspeople were electrified by this announcement and proceeded to loot and riot...but not the whole town, not even the shops-no, instead they turned their celebratory joy and latent fury on the hapless librarians ensconced in their precious 19th century brick library.

Even in that fastness they could not hope for respite, for the large windows were smashed by a hail of debris grabbed and wielded and thrown by the vast crowd; a debris that consisted of rocks, sticks, bricks, stones, cans, bottles, canes, window-glass, screens, pipes, rolodexes, desks, chairs, eyeglasses, easy-chairs, computers, stools, auto parts, and finally, books.

Various types of makeshift molotov cocktails were also thrown, and soon both libraries were burning.

In the midst of this violent yet justified scene, the few remaining librarians (the rest having sensibly absconded or committed hari-kari) i.e. the stupidest and most illogical ones, were led out, where one was lynched from a nearby tree, one of Kittery's oldest such oaks, and the rest were driven forcibly from town, over a three mile trail, goaded on by the angry citizens of Kittery who had lived with their nonsensical, whimsical caprices and half-decisions and inanities for at least 10 years.

The neighboring municipalities of Eliot and Portsmouth, NH (both long known for their own various official and consular and municipal/political inanities and illogicalities) will be the new homes and workplaces of these vile, idiotic librarians, many of whom are rumored to be witches of some kind or another.

This is a great day for the vindication and cleansing of the community of Kittery, especially for the eradication of stupidity from the precincts of that storied town.

This reporter, although somewhat astonished, can only say "Good for you, residents of Kittery! Finally!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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