Written by anthonyrosania
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Thursday, 10 February 2011

image for Lindsay Lohan Faces Life in Prison After Felony Charge

A New Jersey man who does absolutely nothing with his Law School education says that the mainstream media has missed a vital part of the Linsday Lohan Calvacade of F--k-ups: Under California's Three-Strike Law, Firecrotch is facing life in prison.

" 'Three Strikes' requires California courts to sentence to life in prison persons who have been convicted of a serious criminal offense on three or more separate occasions," said Keyport, NJ residenrt Anthony Rosania, who writes d-ck jokes for a living, despite his extensive collection of useless college degrees.

"Technically, the Judge can reinstate the 2008 charge of felony possession of a CDS," continued Rosania, referring to her arrest with cocaine after slamming her BMW into a tree. "Combine that with a felony conviction for the stolen fur coat from 2009 and a conviction for the stolen necklace, and her ass is in jail for life."

Lohan stole a brand-new white dress to wear when she appeared in court yesterday for her arraignment on the felony charge.

The Judge held nothing back when admonishing her from the Bench.

"I understand that you can't fix stupid, but have to understand that there's no rehab for stealing, sweetheart," said Judge Schmiddt.

Linsday had nothing to say in Court, but she apparently snuck her Blackberry into the courtroom, because she was Tweeting furiously.

F--k, soon I'm gonna have more cavity searches on my resume than a frequent flyer with the last name Muhammad #jailsucks
1 minute ago Favorite Retweet Reply

I didn't steal anything it was my evil twin from the Parent Trap!
41 minutes ago Favorite Retweet Reply

The Judge also made clear that, if Three Strikes is not triggered, her punishment might not include jail.

"You are looking at a significant amount of time in jail, baby," he said. "Do you want to be surrounded by drug-abusing lesbians your whole... Wait. Never mind."

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