Baton Rouge, Louisiana, 31st August 2005.
After many hours of searching, Baton Rouge handy man Jesus DeSilva has been confirmed as being alive and well. Mr DeSilva, of Northern Way, had thought to have been missing since Hurricane Katrina hit earlier this week.
It has since come to light that Mr DeSilva (54) has been staying with his sister in Birmingham AL for the last 3 weeks. This move was not permanent and only came about since he finished his last job on "Sister Mary's Sacred Church" on West Street and work generally dried up.
Father Dougal Flannigan-O'Dougal, of 'Sister Mary's Sacred Church', raised the alarm early in the morning after Katrina hit. He was spotted by a local TV crew stumbling around Main Street shouting 'Jesus, Jesus, where are you?', ‘Jesus, Mary and Joseph - what is happening to the world' and ‘Jesus come back to save us' shortly before being winched away by Paramedics.
Father Flannigan-O'Dougal is still recovering in hospital and there are reports that he suffered a major nervous breakdown when being told that Mr DeSilva had survived. Hospital porter, Horace White, (72) witnessed Father Flannigan-O'Dougal being given the good news. "He was sat in bed with all these pipes coming outta him when a nurse said 'Not to worry Father, Jesus lives and is currently living in Birmingham AL'. He just kinda went pale and started to dribble". The hospital is unavailable to comment on his situation stating that ‘We are too busy for this nonsense, can't you see what's going on around here?'.
The Vatican has released the following statement within the last hour. ‘We are delighted that Jesus has been found as is well. We are looking into the repercussions of his return and intend to monitor the situation closely. We confirm that this does in no way invalidate the position of Pope Benedict XVI'.
Mr DeSilva says he has no plans to return to Baton Rouge and has issued the following statement ‘I'd like to thank y'all for your concern. I am staying with my Sister until I get back on ma feet. I quite like it here, it's pretty. I feel bad for Father Flannigan O'Dougal and I hope he gets better real soon'.