Written by Anan E Maus
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Wednesday, 9 February 2011

SACRAMENTO, Calif.-In a move that shocked and angered most people, the current governor of the state of California, generally called the "Republic of California" according it's flag, has ordered the criminalization of masturbation.

In a very close legislative, heated debate and battle, the referendum passed 57-45.

Almost immediately, the sales of such masturbatory aids as KY Jelly and that old standby, Vaseline, plummeted, as these were generally outlawed also.

For the law provided for the prohibition of not only the act itself (with or without actual orgasm occurring; but the penalties were harsher and sterner if actual ejaculation was achieved and witnessed by a police officer or citizen who reported such an act) but also all materials and products and devices connected with it.

However, this news did not hurt the sales of vibratory, phallic devices, and if anything, these skyrocketed into the stratosphere of profit.

However, yet another product connected with the act is, of course, pornography, and this too has been outlawed, though not as severely as the act itself and Ky Jelly and vibrators.

Sales of this particular product, a mainstay and welcome, well-loved addition to most homes and families, or at least to most mothers and fathers and boyfriends and girlfriends and roommates and bachelors, et. al; these sales skyrocketed, too, reaching far beyond those of vibratory, phallic devices.

This seems not only an ironic move for California, but an unprecedentedly dumb one, as this prohibition has hurt California's largest, and most profitable, business: the pornographic film industry.

Considering that California is practically the world's capital of pornography-production, this is a stupid move and one that will no doubt hurt the Governor when he comes up for reelection soon.

Senators and legislators in Washington, DC, huge lechers themselves, usually; are up in arms about this unconstitutional, controversial law.

Various National Guard troops have been dispatched to California to put down what is essentially an open rebellion from the United States, but the crafty Governor of California deployed his own National Guard troops, specifically those members of the Air-Wing, to combat the situation.

And well they did, for the seventeen jet bombers, including 5 B-52's carrying a payload of about 1700 tons each, dropped their ordnances and payloads of pornography on the 1500 troops sent to California, no doubt part of the first wave of such government intrusion.

However, the troops were distracted by all the pornography, not just by the various sexual parts shown on the covers and the sex acts depicted thereon, too, but by the often pink and colorful, shiny, glistening labels themselves! They immediately sat in the sands along the California-Nevada border and proceeded to, well...never mind.

So, it seems that California's stupid and unconstitutional ban on pornography, masturbation and all self-pleasuring devices is here to stay...unless open civil war, a thing that has not occurred in this country for 146 years, is made upon California, and this reporter doesn't really think that our President, or any President no matter how much of a lech he or she is, is going to risk that for the sake of those particular freedoms that now we other 49 states safely and happily enjoy! Perhaps in a way, this is a good thing.

At least this controversial prohibition will take some of the heat off of California and save it the constant humiliation of being the rest of middle-America's "whipping boy", so to speak.

Maybe now some of the other lecherous states, like New York, can get the raw focus of concentrated hatred from the right and an odd mixture of apathy and compassion from the left.

This is a proud day for them....I guess.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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