Written by Anan E Maus
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Wednesday, 9 February 2011

BOSTON, Mass.-It seems that two brothers who were hungry past their dinner, ventured out to obtain some burgers, but finding every major burger joint closed, chose instead to buy hamburger meat at a local supermarket, that they thought was still open, and make their beloved burgers at home, instead of eating out.

This was a plan that could not have gone more wrong, as the shopping plaza at 2233 West Street, became a scene of crime last night, for the two brothers, hunger pains filling their neglected stomachs, were not able to find an open supermarket, so in desperation, proceeded to smash the windows of the Star Market located in the plaza at 2233 West Street, and leaped inside to the discordant sound of loudly, harshly ringing burglar alarm bells, where they raced down several of the still-lighted aisles, a policy of several area supermarkets that is naturally very economically-sound given the current fiscal situation in the Commonwealth, and indeed, in most of America, collecting burger patties and rolls and ketchup all the while.

However, the strident alarm bells alerted a number of local emergency response teams, including, most significantly those of the police department, to the situation and they responded to the scene.

A perimeter was set up that filled the greater portion of most of the immense parking lot, and a communications headquarters was also started, however, these proved decidedly unnecessary, as a number of stalwart, diehard, gungho, loose-canon officers drove their patrol cars and motorcycles through the plate glass windows, shattering them and twisting the steel guiders horribly, and these raced after the two esurient trespassers.

Straight down the largest aisle the two brothers went, followed in smaller, adjoining aisles by fast-moving police officers, whose cars and motorcycles made an utter shambles of an otherwise clean and efficient and well-stocked store.

All in all, the police responding to the scene, in their characteristic ineptitude, caused much more damage than the two burglars.

However, these two thieves were eventually caught and, though they are not African-American, were beaten harshly, another characteristic action of the local police in such a case or even a far worse one, and were stripsearched and summarily arrested.

The judge they've slated for their arraignment, one Theodore Lagerfeld, himself a part-owner in some Star Market stock and various related and now-faltering and stagnating concerns, has set their bail at an astounding 450,000 dollars, a figure larger than that normally aimed at murderers and rapists of exceeding cruelty and notoriety.

The CEO of Star Market, INC, A Rufus B. Pakawak, himself a former meat-cutter and packer of especial fame in his first store, which he worked at a full 30 years ago, has said that the store and it's lawyers will prosecute the pair of adventurous shoplifters to the fullest (and cruelest) extent of the law.

Somewhat ironically, the two will be served burgers in prison, as the Massachusetts State Penal Association recently received a vast donation of what amounts to 45, 000 dollars of hamburger meat by Star Market, INC, an infrequent contributor to any worthy cause, which rather makes this reporter speculate that it was the damaged meat from that very same daring twilight robbery and police chase.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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