Written by Anan E Maus
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Topics: Terrorism, Police, Beer, Egypt

Wednesday, 9 February 2011

PORTSMOUTH, N.H. - Police and federal agents descended on Smuttybutt Brewery on Heritage Avenue in Portsmouth today, as part of a nationwide sting aimed at apprehending the mostly Egyptian terrorists who have infiltrated a number of regional and national large and microbreweries as part of a vast terrorist plot to destroy America's supply of beer, and arrested several Arabs working thereat, including Abu Maburadadhadbad, suspected ringleader of the Northeast wing of the nationwide plot.

It seems that this largely Egyptian-led terrorist action (that thankfully was foiled and averted) has been formulated as part of a two-pronged strategy, one part of which was supposed to undermine the US economic structure by targeting it's largest group of consumers, the casual drinkers and heavy drunkards and alcoholics; and the other part of which was apparently to proclaim Egypt's power over and original creation of beer, and to make them and their nation, given the fact that it invented it, the sole producer of beer for the world.

As snows fell and blanketed the Northeast region, providing a terrific hardship and obstacle to the swift resolution of this matter by federal and political agents, the Egyptians were arrested, and cowered in fear at these whitish flakes descending in an unremitting cascade on them all.

Many leaped about and prayed to their deity, Allah, in what proved, as usual, a vain effort to halt the unstoppable barrage of descending flakes.

Some screamed and wept when the cold flakes fell on them, and police were generally unsympathetic, as they always are, but federal agents, mostly from the FBI, secured a number of woolen blankets and umbrellas for the terrorists to shield them from the cold and the snow.

The suspects thus apprehended and loaded into a number of official vehicles, the vast caravan proceeded from the dark and snowswept parking lot of Smuttybutt and headed south, to actually book and temporarily incarcerate the suspects.

However, disaster reigned as the roads became a quagmire of snow, ice, sleet and slush that halted the non-four-wheel-drive, non-all-terrain-tired vehicles, and the FBI ordered the local police in the vanguard of the convoy to obtain snow shovels and shovel out the snow.

The local police resented this intrusion and upstaging of them and their jurisdictional power, and argued heavily and loudly to that effect.

The debate ensued for several hours, as snow continued to fall without letup, and during it, as snow piled up more and more, miring all involved, a careless person (possibly a disgruntled, "underpaid" police officer) "accidentally" left the door to one of the paddy wagons open, and this led to the escape of the terrorists, who while afraid of the still-falling snow, did their best to effect a swift getaway from the stunned and stalemated scene.

They are still at large, possibly wandering around in the snow, maybe even making snow angels in South Mill Park, as of this writing.

Police, as they usually are, are baffled.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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