Written by TomFoolery
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Topics: Americans

Saturday, 27 August 2005

WORLD PRESS-Latest local, national and worldwide poll figures indicate a disturbing trend that has network news and newspapers pointing fingers at each other. The reason: NOBODY KNOWS and NOBODY CARES!!

Surveys from the full spectrum of viewpoints, from liberal to conservative, guns to fetuses, trees to cattle flatulence, aimed at solidifying public opinion have increasingly ended up with one disturbing thing in common: complete and total indifference on the part of those under whose noses the questionnaires have been stuck.

Could it be the proclivity of ‘information manufacturers' who force-feed us unsolicited, unnecessary tripe? Perhaps the media have-as crazy as it sounds-lost touch with their viewing/reading audiences in the questionable quest for ratings? Might it be that cable/satellite TV and the Internet have created options more tempting than the daily dose of depressing drivel. Maybe we're just fed up with constantly being bombarded with things that we're supposed to swallow as vitally important to our daily lives that don't have squat to do with who, where, what we are?

Harris, Zogby, Nielson and CNN asked those very questions to thousands of subscribers, viewers and passers-by on the streets of urban, suburban and rural America. The results are shockingly consistent in their unpredictable unanimity. Below are the top ten responses (in no particular order) to literally EVERY question asked:

10. "What difference does my opinion make anyway?" (typical response from mainstream white, educated, employed Americans)

9. "Will answer for food!" (not actually verbal, usually scrawled in crayon on a piece of cardboard box)

8. "No hablo ingles!" (response received from respondents encountered along the southern US border, heading north)

7. "Yuh Mutha!" (punctuated by squealing tires and several rounds of automatic weapons fire)

6. "I'm gonna count to three…!" (frequently followed by shotgun blasts of rock salt and bacon)

5. "It's ALL good!" (glazed eyes, flailing arms and release of bodily fluids accentuate this reply)

4. "If you say so." (popular among college students, no matter what year of study)

3. "Yeah, okay, just get out of my face!" (normally preceded by a bodyguard's stiff-arm)

2. "Is that a camera? (whether natural or cosmetic, the word to remember here is blonde)

1. "Whatever." (some young, some middle-aged, some senior citizens, even some enlightened pollsters)

The irony is that, the reality of this news will most likely never reach the public at large, since it won't have the slightest effect on the price of gasoline, the war against terrorism, the cost of living and where the next meal is coming from. Hello?! Are you listening, newsroom?! Get a clue! It just doesn't matter.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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