A Local Man, a semi articulate and part time satire writer, was left speechless after a mind numbing encounter with a dental hygienist today which left him bloody and wishing for a kidney stone attack instead.
Melvin Wordsmithe, a mild mannered retired gentleman, booked his dental appointment shortly after discovering, while searching through his stool sample, that a dental filling had fallen out unnoticed whilst enjoying a southern style pizza encrusted with Pecans and Hog Jowls.
Entering the tasteful establishment, embellished with happy workers, all with implanted very white teeth, he was ushered in to the Hygienist's office for a full round of X- rays, a thorough probing, and a complete cleaning in order for the Dentist to be able to work on his apparently plaque encrusted teeth due to a life long bad habit of eating.
Introducing herself as "MarySueEllenYurHygienst", the 20 something, trim petite and rather tall young professional escorted him into the room and pointed to an inviting leather recliner.
Not understanding a word coming out of her mouth, Mel got the general idea, it wasn't the first time he had been in a dentist's office, but never one in which he thought he might die of syrup poisoning as he listened to her very southern directions.
The one way conversation continued, at which point Mel figured it was better to nod his head rather than venture to speak, after all, her family probably still harbored a grudge against the union and the burning of Charleston. Bastards!
After a full round of X-rays, with his reproductive organs adequately protected with a lead apron which, unfortunately left the remainder of his brain exposed to death rays, she proceeded to probe around his mouth with a selection of sharp pointed instruments last seen when Lawrence Oliver was torturing Dustin Hoffman asking "Is it SAFE", only in this case she kept asking in her sugary voice:
After a thorough picking and probing, she introduced the laser-water pick thingy which Mel found out later was also used on teenagers to provide an adequate size hole to install tongue studs, an alternate revenue producing adjunct to the dental practice.
Despite Mel's trepidation, her marvelously skilled hands wielded the instrument of destruction with amazing dexterity, only causing him to jump out of the chair twice, similar to the effect a heart defibrillator would have on a flat lined patient.
Mel said later, while resting at home, " despite her warm perky breasts cradling each side of my head, and rubbing up against my ears, I found it impossible to mount an erection, an effect that I found extraordinarily bizarre since the last time I had sex was in 1998!"
Finishing up with a brilliant polishing, and a brief consultation with the Dentist, good news by the way, only the one filling to replace, Mel was released with a parting salutation from MarySueYurHygienst who said in a sultry manner:Hopeyurfeelinbetteranddon'tfergettorinsewithwarmsaltwateriffnyursore. Cumbacksoonyaallndhavaniceday!"
Thinking to reply in kind Mel said: " That's enough of that Olive. You're winding me up now. See, the thing is - if the record wasn't so bleedin' lumpy and distorted, the needle might fit snugly into the groove." (CW Skoob 2011)
Amazingly she smiled and replied, "That's the ticket, innit! Yer a raght olde hot geezer, ain't ya...mind a bit of crumpet fore ya leave sport?"