Written by Brett Taylor
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Tuesday, 1 February 2011

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The Capitol could soon be visited by an asshole, experts say

2011 is just barely underway, and yet Washington D.C. is already abuzz about the 2012 elections. On Tuesday, November 6, 2012, all U.S. Representative seats and many Senate seats will be up for grabs, along with quite a few governor's races and legislatures, in addition to many local races, and of course, the Presidency itself. Washingtonians received a major shock today when the Huffington Post announced a major revelation concerning these elections.

It seems that it's quite likely in the next year that a real asshole will be elected to office. Pundits believe this man will be a rude dickhead, if not an outright douchebag of gargantuan proportions. Some believe this man will disregard the will of the American people, may make racist jokes in private, and generally behave like an arrogant prick. He may even break a law at some point.

Political expert Bruce Gronbeck explains, "The polls show that Americans are ready right now for an asshole. I know this is a great shock. For two hundred years of democracy, Americans have only accepted those politicians whose ethical character is of the utmost quality. Traditionally it's been assumed that no candidate could be elected if he cheated on his wife, accepted bribes, lied about his sexuality, or got in bed with big business could ever possibly go far in politics.

"The framers of the Constitution deliberately designed their document to be asshole-proof. Ever since then the U.S. political scene has been a proud place full of honorable names like Strom Thurmond, Rob Blagojevich, Sarah Palin, David Duke, Joseph McCarthy, and Warren G. Harding. Yet 2012 may well be the year in which a shady liar is elected to office. It was bound to happen sooner or later, I suppose."

Americans have so far said little about this shocking announcement. It seems many people are baffled by the notion that the country's high offices could ever be sullied by corruption in any form. Asked about the prediction, John Milthwaite, a systems manager from Jasper, Indiana, commented, "I just don't believe that some lying jerk could ever get elected here. I expect that sort of thing from one of those undeveloped, primitive countries. Like Finland, maybe."

The experts agree that this event will change the nature of American politics forever. Ethics expert Jacob M. Appel says, "We may well see a day when citizens don't trust their elected officials. I know it's hard to believe it could happen here, but it just might be possible."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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