AKRON, Ohio - Thomas Shaheen, an 11 year veteran with the US Postal Service, has been charged with "adulteration of foodstuffs" after being caught by a hidden video camera peeing in the coffee pot at the Springfield post office. Co-workers reportedly helped post Shaheen's bail and sent him flowers, and get-well cards. Said Maggie Thorton, Shaheen's supervisor, "We're all just so happy he didn't bring an AK-47 to work and kill everyone. All of a sudden we realized, 'Hey, we can live with stanky coffee."
Describing the adulterated coffee as "a little salty, perhaps a tad thin, it's still 'not bad' for government coffee said co-worker John Valdez. "A splash of creme and sugar and you'd never know." Co-workers were so relieved that Shaheen's "going postal" didn't involve gunfire they have decided to "be nicer to him" and "include him in social gatherings."
One co-worker, Everett Rude, still bitter over the incident, said "I'm switching to tea. Herbal tea. I'll never be able to enjoy a cup of joe again. I'd like to put his weiner in the coffee grinder, that's what I'd like to do to him." But other co-workers were just relieved that Shaheen had merely relieved himself, and not splashed them with a golden shower of bullets."
Co-workers used a hidden video camera to catch Shaheen, 49, in the act. "Me personally, I'd be afraid I'd burn my weenie getting it that close to hot coffee, but apparently Shaheen was careful" said one male co-worker. Workers had noticed a "freshly brewed pot" tasted significantly better than coffee left on the burner awhile. And the fact that there was MORE coffee than the last time you went for a cup -- that was strange."
Copies of the video were reportedly offered for sale on eBay today, with various employees grimacing after tasing their coffee, and asking each other questions like "Are you sure this is Folgers? Man, who made this stuff?"
Shaheen was ordered to appear in Akron Municipal Court on Monday and to provide an espresso specimen.
None of Shaheen's co-workers was physically harmed, or suffered any ill effects from the stanky coffee. "No bullet holes, no sucking chest wounds, no fatalities -- hell, we're celebrating. We're going to celebrate Pee In the Coffee Day every year from now on."
Shaheen's attorney, Paul F. Adamson, said that his mis-guided client had recently purchased several shares of stock in Starbucks, and was simply trying to maximize the value of his investment. "It worked allright. Now, every time my client visits, nobody in the law office will TOUCH the coffeepot."