President Barack Obama has decided to tackle America's Housing Crisis head on by kicking off a blockbuster marketing deal ahead of the impending 2012 elections to insure he regains his base and gets them out to vote!
Dubbed "Squat to Own", the program was launched after the latest housing reports indicated that over 11% of US homes were vacant due to foreclosures , abandonment, or in the cases of prospective buyers, the unavailability of mortgage funds as cash strapped banks were forced to pay out year end bonuses to top management.
The homes, concentrated in California, Las Vegas, Detroit, and especially throughout hard hit Florida, have been laying empty and banks have been hit with large fees by municipalities and home owner associations to maintain the yards, keep the electricity on, and pick up animal feces from pets left to roam wild after their owners abandoned them as well.
The program is the brain child of former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi,D, CA, who famously said "creative people shouldn't have to work, and should be granted stipends from the government as they pursue inner peace while they set out on life's journey to find themselves."
The program won quick support from Presidential backers Valerie Jarrett, who controls thousands of slum lord tenements in Chicago, recently censored congressman Charlie Wrangle (sic) D, NY, & race hustlers Jesse Jackson, both Sr. & Jr., and the very Reverend, and tax delinquent Al Sharpton, more than a million dollars in arrears due to the 'non profit' foundations benefitting himself.
Liberal Dems wasted no time enlisting the Department of Transportation in providing buses, free air line travel vouchers, and National Guard convoys to convey thousands of unemployed illegal aliens, other minority welfare recipients, and recently paroled sexual predators to the nation's hardest hit real estate markets.
The prospective home owners are dropped off in groups of 25-30 into ravaged neighborhoods on a 'first come, first served' basis as they scurry to find the best unoccupied homes in the neighborhood and stake out a claim.
Things have not gone well so far, as there are reports of shootings, knifings and gang stomping involving territorial disputes over the best houses, and in one case an actual homeowner was forced to defend his own home from a roving gang of MS-13 Salvadorian drug dealers who wanted his home for themselves.
Luckily for the homeowner, who was armed, the assault resulted in the instantaneous demise of 4 gang members found armed with assault rifles, a grenade launcher, a case of grenades, a stash of 25,000 oxycontin pills and a portable meth lab.
Attorney General Eric Holder, commenting on the incident, said that the homeowner would be prosecuted under the "Federal Crimes Against Militant Illegal Aliens Act", his home would be confiscated, and he would be held in a Federal Detention Prison recently set up in Illinois to house "Domestic Terrorists." He also blamed Sarah Palin and the NRA for encouraging people to defend themselves against 'misunderstood, disadvantaged folks" saying, "People have to listen to our President and learn to share!"
Holder said the Justice Department was trying to determine who the relatives of the slain gunmen are so that they can be compensated for their 'tragic loss.'
Barney Frank, former head of the Congressional Banking Committee, D, gay, MA, has just issued a new finance bill concerning retail credit provisions forcing all furniture stores to advance credit to the new home inhabitants so they can 'properly furnish their quarters in a manner to insure tranquility , well being, and self esteem!"
Martha Stewart and K-Mart have been named as the marketing face of the government's "Home Furnishing Act for the Disadvantaged" set to air by the end of the week.
Frank said he got the inspiration for the scheme during his tenure on the banking committee when he mandated that everyone was entitled to own a house, and mortgage application forms requiring prove of residency, employment, and a bank account, were just another form of "racist inequality existing in America."
Frank went on to say that he was proud of his accomplishments leading up to the current housing program saying, "Hey, look what I've done......now there's millions more that can move into their own home! Now THAT'S real change we can be proud of!"