Written by Sexpanther
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Topics: Crime

Tuesday, 1 February 2011

image for Richard Simmons' Tweet Causes Massive Crimewave
Suspect fleeing the scene of the crime

Richard Simmons singlehandedly caused a spike in vending machine theft when he tweeted a Wall Street Journal article about recession-fueled vandalism.

The article focused on hi-tech crime prevention techniques, but may end up causing more thefts than it prevented.

Simmons sent a link to his loyal weight loss followers with a caption: "Vending machine vandalism on the rise". But unbeknownst to Simmons, the article linked to a YouTube tutorial on hacking vending machines.

In a matter of hours the video received over 800,000 views, and I'm sure you can guess what happened next. Padlocks were simply no match for the ferocious hoards of twinkie-fueled vandals, and millions of dollars in snacks vanished in a heartbeat.

One eyewitness was quoted "it was like I was watching a stampede on Animal Planet, or something, if I hadn't gotten out of the way, then I would've been crushed for sure!"

At this point, Police have few leads except for some surveillance footage (shown above) of suspect fleeing the scene of the crime.

When asked for comment, Simmons reportedly said "I haven't been popular since short shorts and headbands were in style, so how was I supposed to know this would happen?!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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