Written by Auntie Matter
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Topics: lawsuits, Lawyers

Monday, 31 January 2011

image for New Powers for US Lawyers
Ruth Less-McThug

Congress has just passed a new law giving additional powers to attorneys and private law firms. The Absolute Confidentiality charter has been signed off and will be operational within the month. It means that a lawyer can write a letter giving private information about a third party. Recipient of the Absolute Confidentiality letter will then be under pains never to divulge the contents of the letter and, if they do so, they will face a mandatory two-year jail sentence without remission.

Said Ruth Less-McThug, Head of America's Lawyers' Association: "This is a great step forward. It means effectively that we rule the world. The Absolute Confidentiality measure will be of great benefit to many in the legal profession especially to defamation lawyers who will be able to effectively prevent editors and broadcasters at will from mentioning anything untoward about their clients.

"Lawyers will be able to say whatever they like about anyone they like to a third party without having to substantiate their claims.

"Basically, it is a right to lie effectively and with impunity, a real privilege for us. Had we had this six years ago Bill Clinton would be still in office and Monica Lewinsky would have gone to jail. The old confidentiality strategy we had in place was very lame when it came to getting things done."

Said Neil Blair, lawyer and partner of Christopher's Little's Literary agency that represents J.K.Rowling. "We don't need it. Hell will freeze over before a bad word about our client J.K.Rowling ever makes it into a UK tabloid. We have our own methods of enforcing silence."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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