Written by Dr. Billingsgate
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Topics: Obituary

Monday, 31 January 2011

image for Jack La Lanne Dies Healthy At 96
Food Mixer Attachment

Fitness guru, Jack La Lanne, died last week, healthy at age 96. To celebrate his 70th birthday and show off his fitness, La Lanne had himself shackled and then towed 70 people in 70 rowboats across Long Beach harbor. He later confessed to having a LITTLE GEM battery powered food mixer strapped to his under-belly where nobody could see it.

Always the salesman, he later marketed this same unit to the public, being the first to recognize the utility of mixing health drinks while towing row boats over waterways of all types.

It was not unusual for Jack to knock off a quick 1000 pushups while adoring sex-kittens stood with mouths agape, wondering if they could handle him on Viagra. It was said that he would laugh at anyone seeking medical assistance for 4 hour erections, claiming that they were spoiled "wusses."

Goodbye Jack. You were one of a kind. We will miss you.

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