Valley Forge, PA - A rabid groundhog named Philadelphia Phil has seen his shadow, and cursed the United States with six more months of Winter. The buck-toothed furry critter crawled out of its burrow early this morning and gave everyone the bad news. Meanwhile, another horrific blizzard began approaching the East Coast.
Unfortunately, Philadelphia Phil's handlers did not know that the groundhog had developed rabies over the last few months. The crazed creature bit off two fingers and a thumb of the man who awakened him from his slumbers. The foamy-mouthed varmint then went completely berserk and began biting dozens of onlookers in the crowd. The snow covered ground soon turned dark red with blood from all the severed fingers.
The few survivors were shocked to hear Philadelphia Phil say some doggerel in English, before he returned to his hibernation:
"I hope you die, I really do
You suck so bad, with you I'm through
Enjoy the cold, the snow, the ice
Now leave me be, and I'll be nice"