MEMPHIS, TN-America's values have been cast into turmoil. Religion and nutrition are locked in moral and mortal combat, with the country's favorite fast food pitted against one of the nation's foremost evangelists.
The contention is born out of the three letters associated with each: KFC. While the original meaning of the familiar acronym, Kentucky Fried Chicken, has been around for decades, former presidential candidate Pat Robertson has put his own rather irreverent twist on things with his version, Killing For Christ.
Third generation chicken-hawker, Colonel Harlan Sanders III, filed suit against the militant bible-banger, accusing him of copyright infringement, loss of business and for beating the poultry purveyor to the punch.
"Why, my great-grandpappy is probably turning over in his grave at this very minute, because of what's been done to his creation," a shocked Sanders III breathlessly exclaimed to reporters from the dining room of a Memphis KFC restaurant, purportedly III's favorite, and only, place to dine midday.
"I mean, it's not like we don't actually KILL the chickens we boil in oil and keep under a heat lamp until they're slapped on a plastic plate or chucked in a cardboard box and doled out to our throngs of customers, but for the love of God, we don't play up the fact and we don't do it in the on behalf of our supreme being!" he said between tasty mouthfuls of America's favorite poultry.
Robertson, on the other hand, has been adamant in his fervor to push the concept of one holy war against another, saying that Killing For Christ is nothing more than the American Jihad. "I don't see what all the fuss is about," he said during his most recent radio sermon program. "I've got nothing against fried chicken, and I think Christ Himself would agree that Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez should be at the top of His Most Wanted DEAD! List." Theologians and chicken producers around the world are debating that one at this very moment.
Madison Avenue executives are rallying to bring the food fight to a lucrative end for all involved. In fact, a proposal is already being discussed that would benefit both sides of the contentious confrontation. Advertisers are suggesting that for every 3-piece Sanders KFC meal purchased, a percentage of the proceeds would go to support the Robertson KFC effort. "It's a sweet deal no matter how you slice it," a statement released to the press from ad giant Wackum, Fleesum & Ruhn. "Now we can put savory food on the table, give the kids a whole new series of collectable dictator replica toys, and rid the world of unsavory characters like old ‘Hugo the Horrendous' all at the same time."
Robertson has been promised a lifetime supply of famous fast food products if the two KFCs can strike a bargain, but Pat apparently turned chicken. He thinks he'd be getting the short end of the wishbone on that deal, since he's pretty old already and his diet doesn't allow for all that much fatty, fried food.