Written by Mark Garrison

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Friday, 28 January 2011

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WASHINGTON D.C. - The Tea Party routinely campaigns on cutting the size of government, and statements made by elected tea party members now show us just how they plan on doing so.

With Washington talking about various proposals to reduce the deficit and cut the budget, Sen. Rand Paul and Rep. Michele Bachmann, possibly the two most well known Tea Party members, have each released detailed lists of where those spending cuts should come from.

The numbers in their proposals are mind boggling. Paul wants to slash $700 quintillion in 2010, a year that has already ended. Bachmann's list contains over "$70 thousand grillion" in budget cuts, a number that experts agree doesn't really exist.

Their proposals will most likely not make it into any legislation, and could possibly hit a brick wall that experts call "reality," however, at a time when both lawmakers and many citizens recognize the need for fiscal cut backs, the Paul and Bachmann lists definitely display one way of accomplishing this.

Just a few of Paul's proposals include doing away with the Department of Education and replacing it with a "Department of Jesus Books" in addition to replacing the Department of Defense with a "Department of Prayer and Nuke Boom Booms."

Amounts of various budget cuts as listed in Paul's press release include:

Agriculture Department - 125%
Commerce Department - 175%
Health and Human Services - 1 grillion%
Homeland Security - (To be replaced by NRA members from Mississippi and funded by vigilante drug raids.)
Interior Department - WTF%
Gravity - 100%

Their lists also contain programs and services which would be completely done away with, including Social Security, Medicare, The Food for Starving Babies Fund, The Elderly Starvation Prevention Fund, Drinking Water Purification Council, Homeless Veterans Housing Fund, and Sesame Street.

We mentioned these planned cuts to William Donaldson, an economy professor at Texas A&M University whose head instantly imploded when asked for comment.

Meanwhile, Bachmann's list of proposed budget cuts would replace food stamps with a "trade your baby for food" program, eliminate Veterans Affairs in favor of "Veterans Monogamy" and replace NASA with a "Christian Youth Rocket League."

Bachmann said she would also limit the Veterans Affairs wheel chair budget to one wheel per veteran (which she says would stimulate the economy due to an immediate need for 'veteran unicycle chairs'), privatize the FBI using the cast of Law & Order, replace the Federal Aviation Administration with hot air balloons piloted by Fox News anchors, repeal the Protecting Babies from Being Run Over With Cars reform act, and sell Alaska to Sarah Palin for $5.

Lately, Washington has been laser focused on budget cuts. Last week, the new House Republican majority approved a bill to cut federal spending to "what we spent in 1877." Republican economists say that could mean about $800 trillion in savings while only sacrificing "non-essential luxuries" such as food and water.

With Republicans in charge of the House, they have been eager to flex their muscles. However, several GOP aides have been desperately trying to get their bosses to understand that we still have a Senate and White House controlled by Democrats.

One GOP congressional aide we spoke with said that, "trying to get these idiots to understand what a veto pen does is like trying to explain quantum mechanics to Michele Bachmann." The aide went on to say, "We even tried drawing it out with crayon, but they just stood there and drooled all over the teacher." The aide then hid his face in his hands, wept, and mumbled something about "wishing he would have finished high school."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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