Stan Phillips, undersecretary for evil deviousness and delusional broadcasting for Fox News, announced today that Keith Olbermann has signed a huge contract to become a "human punching bag" for various Fox News on air celebrities.
Phillips revealed that Olbermann, who resigned Friday from MSNBC, will dangle while suspended in mid air from the lighting rigs, all the while wrapped in a tailored straight jacked, gagged and unable to move.
"Only his face, and his facial expressions will be visible, and all we'll hear are grunts" said Phillips. "We'll move Olbermann from studio to studio as needed during the day. Our news readers and our news celebrities, we can't really call them reporters can we, are thrilled to have Olbermann in the studio. They'll be able to walk or run over on air while he's helplessly suspended and punch or kick him at their leisure, all to emphasize a conservative political talking point, or just to vent against liberals if necessary."
Olbermann stated on his blog that Fox News wanted him to be available immediately. "They wanted me for President Obama's State of the Union Address, and I was able to use that deadline to drive the bargaining price up. I made out like a bandit."
Fox News celebrities read a statement to their viewers during the day on the hour, every hour, promising them something special tonight. The statement stated that during Obama's speech every time the Republicans boo the President, Fox News will cut away to a scene of Olbermann being beaten senseless with baseball bats. Likewise every time the Democrats cheer he'll receive the same treatment.
While being fitted for his tailored straight jacket on the sidewalk outside the Fox News studios today Olbermann noted, "It looks like it could be a tough first day on the job, especially if that pin head Bill O'Rielly shows up."