Washington - (Gonads): The Old Gipper's gagging order is writ large all over the birth ceritificate, cryogenically sealed in a Pentagon bunker five miles below Seizure's Pal Arse in Nevada.
Today a sexagerian cathouse madam in Havana is threatening to steal President Barack Castro's thunder as he prepares for the annual State of the Union address.
Consuelo Inez Khrushchev, 69, was maîtresse d'hôtel of the San Isidro Street Ballroom (!) and Nookie - er...Cookie! - Parlor when Cousin Nikita's wayward brat Condi sought refuge to farrow.
The babe was born under cloak and dagger secrecy before being smuggled out to Haiti where a Soviet sub was waiting to ferry out the infant to Honolulu.
Ms Khrushchev has kept her peace for nigh on fifty years - as well as all the birth paperwork, blood samples and soiled swaddling clothes.
Also secreted in that natal bundle is a Brownie 127 photo negative showing young Condi nursing the infant firstborn during a Father's Day visit by smiling young Fidel.
"Should go down well on coast-to-coast primetime, hehe!" the inscrutable Ms K chuckled today.
Ex-Bosche Veep Dick Cheney has been named as the godfather.