Written by Morse
Print this

Tuesday, 25 January 2011

image for Holy Dead Mackeral! Rahm Emanuel Not Eligible to Run For Chi Town Mayor According to 2 Appelate Court Judges Now Missing!
Missing Judges Who Ruled Against Emanuel Sleeping Wit the Fishes?

Rahm Emanuel's Chicago Family has reportedly 'gone to the mattresses' after two of three appellate court judges ruled his mayoral bid is bogus due to residency requirements!

Emanuel, former Chicago Underboss and US senator, who went on to Washington with Capo di tutti Capi, Barry "Chingedera" Obama to become his consigliere, came back to Chicago to accept the Mayoral throne after a delicate negotiation between current Mayor Richard Daley, former indicted & disgraced Governor Rod Blagojevich, Jesse Jackson, Jr, and Daley's Brother, William who was just appointed to be Obama's new White House Chief of Staff to succeed Emanuel.

The complicated deal which saw Daley's brother elevated to White House distinction, gave Blago a pass for keeping his mouth shut on the selling of Emanuel's senate seat to Raymond "Shuffle Foot" Burris in time for the Health Care Bill Vote, and seemed to allow the well oiled transition of Emanuel into the Mayoral seat.

Despite reasonable concerns expressed earlier about Emanuel's residency requirements, as he was not in residence for a full year prior to the election, and indeed had even rented out his home, the Chicago Board of Erections (sic) sided with the Emanuel political tidal wave in a decision upheld by the Circuit Court.

But Wait! There's More!

Late today, two out of three Appellate Court Judges overturned both the Circuit Court and the Chicago Board of Appeals stating unequivocally that Emanuel DID NOT qualify to run in the February 22 election.

One may wish to consider the full implications of this latest judicial action which goes against the usual Chicago Way!

Emanuel, with 44% of the vote leading the latest polls, thanks to the various and sundry Unions surviving on City, State & Federal Handouts, and $11.8 M in campaign funds from major corporations, Hollywood Moguls , recovering Drug Addicts and Scientology Proponents, had already picked out new drapes for the Mayor's office.

Carol Mosely Braun, an African American was second in the poll with 21% of the vote while raising $466,000, just enough to buy a few flyers but not enough for a 3 second spot on the evening news.

What is still developing is the anguish and handwringing of several candidates with track records and name recognition that dropped out of the race after a few late night phone calls from people with muffled voices named "Moshe" and "Luigi" selling low cost health insurance.

Efforts to contact the two appellate judges who made the ruling today, met with no success.

A visit to their residences showed the houses boarded up, newspapers accumulating, and a broken crime scene tape across the front yards next to a dead dog, cat, and fish.

Emanuel says he will appeal the decision to the Illinois supreme court, but in the meantime the ballots are going to the printer without his name on them starting tomorrow, which means he would have to be a write in candidate should he win the appeal before the election.

Currently, odds are on Emanuel to prevail as it is expected tomorrow US Attorney General Erick "the red" Holder will intervene citing racial discrimination on behalf of Emanuel's Jewish heritage and mandate that Rahm goes on the ballot in order to assume the mantel of Chicago's new Jewish Godfather.

Jesse Jackson,Sr. has already confirmed the future, reprising his 1984 comments about NYC saying "Chicago is going to be the next Hymietown...and you can quote me on that
white bread!"

Helen Thomas is covering this story for free on Al Jazeera and is cackling her arse off!

Make Morse's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story


Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!


What's 4 multiplied by 4?

3 9 16 7
50 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more