Written by rvler9201
Print this
Topics: Sex, Old People

Sunday, 23 January 2011

image for Nation's seniors have great sex lives, reports Department of 'That's F-ing Gross'
Try not to think about what the silhouette is hiding here.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a collaborative report with the Committee of 'I Don't Want to Hear That Shit', the Department of 'That's Fucking Gross' released a report today surveying the sex lives of over 1,000 elderly couples, in which it was discovered that the aged remain sexually active and enjoy satisfying sex lives.

"Contrary to established conventional wisdom, the elderly enjoy healthy and active sex lives," read an excerpt from the report which might as well be titled Imagine Your Grandmother Going for a Pogo Stick Ride on Grandpa. "In fact, many couples reported that they felt they were having the best sex of their lives."

"Many couples in their 70s and 80s reported having sex several times a week," said study head Dr. How-in-Christ's-Name-Does-He-Do-This. "With many females claiming to achieve multiple orgasms with regularity," claimed the doctor without visibly suppressing an urge to vomit.

While the study did note that sexual dysfunction does remain a problem for those over 60, medical advances have lessened or eliminated such problems as erectile dysfunction, vaginal dryness and Seriously, What the Fuck.

Furthermore, the report stated, unnggh, that is revolting.

The report also documented instanced of sexual experimentation late in life, many reporting having tried anal sex and OK, I'm going to pretend I didn't just write that.

"We need to combat the myth that interest in sex diminishes with age," said Chamber of Am I Seriously Paying Taxes for This Crap spokesperson Karl Lamewalk. "Sexual activity remains a key component of a healthy marriage throughout life. It's important to establish a dialogue about elderly sex amongst the general public," angling for more of this fucked up garbage to be made public.

The study comes off the heels of an Out of Sight Out of Mind Center Survey, which had found that not thinking or talking about the elderly's genitalia caused them to cease to exist 87 per cent of the time.

Make rvler9201's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Stop - Warning

The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature.

This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

To confirm you have acknowledged this warning, and wish to continue to read the article, please click the following link.

Otherwise, please click here to go back to the home page.


Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!


What's 2 plus 4?

9 6 22 8
49 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more