CAPITOL HILL (Hill Watch)-The Democratic party is set to rock the American political world in a precedence-setting bid for the White House. Getting a formidable jump on the lame duck GOP competition for the 2008 presidential election, the Democratic National Convention has announced that its team of top-notch headhunters has concluded their exhaustive search for a viable Democrat candidate.
Having thoroughly surveyed the pool of congressional hopefuls, the pitiful lack of professional pols worthy to carry the banner led the search team to abandon the national nerve center for the hills and dales of down home America. But, ironic as it might seem, while watching MADTV on cable TV late one night last week, it became abundantly clear that there could be but one choice to represent the Democratic Party in the upcoming presidential election-STUART.
It was a foregone conclusion, what with Stuart being the closest thing in appearance, temperament and mental capacity to one-time Democratic demigod John Dean.
Skeptics were quickly quashed in their efforts to point out seemingly obvious reasons to render the MADTV character unqualified. What critics claimed would be the biggest impediment is the fact that no one, including Stuart himself, knows what his last name is. "That's no big deal," claimed Dem strategist Just Dave. "The kid's got an honest face. Plus, he's going to be a cinch to mold and shape into someone the average American will learn to love. Besides, he'll certainly make people forget the haunting image of George W." Stuart's tenuous grasp of reality is also seen as a political detractor. Yet again, liberals across the board refute the allegation. "That just won't hold water," purported Truth Is Overrated President Tellum Lize. And he's right; judging from the lack of congressional progress in decades due to a blatantly obvious disconnect between Washington lawmakers and those who put them there. Finally, Stuart unquestionably knows absolutely nothing about politics. But even a mannequin knows that hasn't stopped the average clever BS-artist from getting elected or the average sheep voter from being bamboozled, bought, or both.
Interviewing Stuart has proven to be quite a challenging endeavor. His inability to focus and his total lack of social skills makes him difficult to pin down on even the simplest issues. Physical fitness seems to be the only issue on which Stuart offers even the slightest clue. Though the topic was never actually broached, Stuart was more than happy to demonstrate his agility, blissfully exclaiming, "Look what I can do!" His simple, childlike nature makes him a natural candidate, since he typifies the average party affiliate to a tee.
Government analysts are buzzing over possible running mates for the erstwhile Stuart. Front-runners so far include a cross section of American citizens. Representing both woman and minorities, Ms. Swann is seen as a logical choice, provided she could be persuaded to give up her beauty salon job. Typifying the lunatic fringe, power-hungry, self-aggrandizing, barracuda, Hillary Clinton is seen as the only other person who could balance out the Stuart ticket.
Even though the Democrats have already chosen their presidential candidate, that doesn't mean there won't be a Democratic National Convention. Besides, all the delegates have already made their plane and hotel reservations, and it would be a shame to miss an opportunity for a drunken orgy.