Susan Boyle red scarf wearing fanatical loonies are today making plans for their SuBo 50th birthday surprise. It is expected that around 500 fanatics (mostly American - well OK, ALL American!) will descend on SuBo's hometown of Blackburn on her birthday in April.
"Susan said she wanted something quiet with family and friends, but to me that means she wants as many fans there as possible and I intend to be one of them!" said some deluded old dear with a red scarf.
"We're hoping to get Simon Cowell and Piers Morgan to do a striptease for her. I know she'd just love that!" said a chief fanatic. "If they're not available, we have plenty of male fanatics who could step in!" continued the fanatic.
"I'll do it!" grinned a male fanatic eagerly. "I never wear any pants anyway, so I'm always ready!" he continued excitedly.
It is not actually known whether SuBo will be at home on her birthday, or even in the country.
"That doesn't matter! I've taken my wealthy husband's credit card and booked a flight to everywhere in the world for every day one week before and after her birthday! I'm certain of being in the same place as Susan!" said some old dear with far too much time on her hands.
"We can't all go, so those who will get to meet Susan will be determined by lottery," said another chief fanatic. "Naturally, I'll be guaranteed a place, and those wanting any chance of a place may like to make a donation to my favourite charity 'Campaign Against Stunted Hedgerows'. Just make the cheques out to 'C.A.S.H'," she cackled.
"Perhaps she'd like a quilt for her birthday? Have we given her one before?" rambled a confused old American fanatic. "Or perhaps a nice red scarf? She surely doesn't have one of those? Maybe that might attract the polar bears though? Do they have polar bears in Scotland?" she continued to ramble.
"I would go, but I don't like getting inoculations," said another confused American fanatic. "What shots do you need for Scotland? I've heard mad haggis disease is nasty? Do I need a shot for that?" continued the fanatic.
"Och no, not those lot again!" grumbled the local police chief, Constable Jock McJock (calm down babe, I made it up!). "We're all out of anti-loony spray. It took us two weeks to get rid of these pests last time. We'll have to order some extra strength spray," he continued to moan.
"We'll have to order more lemonade then!" said the local innkeeper. "They drank us dry last time. Of course, I'm not complaining. What with various taxes, official and otherwise, loony premium, etc., we should get away with charging £5 a glass! Cha-ching!" he laughed.