Congress has gotten tough on any person saying the "k" word (kill) while in the Congressional House. According to a memorandum that was handed to the press, members of Congress have enacted the following series of punishments for a "k" word violation of any sort.
The first offense will incur the offending member to receive a really hard noogie.
The second offense will incur the offending member to be dragged into a private room with a TV, DVD player and chair. The member will be tied to the chair and be forced to watch a series of DVDs of Hillary Clinton, in a bikini, reading the entire 1000 plus pages of the health care bill. The member will remain tied to the chair throughout the reading, which is said to last a little over 14 days.
The third offense will incur the offending member to have a plunger smashed onto their face which will remain as such through the entire session.
We approached House speaker, Joe Boehner, for comments as he was sitting on the House floor trying to pound a square peg into a round hole on a child's pegboard with one of the House gavels. As we got to Boehner, he looked up at us and asked: "What do you say? A bigger gavel maybe?"
When asked how the new rules on use of the "k" word were going, Boehner told us: "Man things are working out just great I tell you. We have been nailing people left and right on saying that "k" word. Heck, just this morning, 525 members of the 535 members of Congress got caught saying the "k" word".
"What was really hilarious, is that, when members were being noogied for the first offense, everyone of them said: 'Ouch, you are killing me'". So they all got dragged away and are now watching the Hillary DVDs. Hell, we even nailed 205 people who said the "k" word while sitting in the observation seats. I tell you no one gets away with it".
"We even caught Vice President Biden trying to slip the "k" word by us by putting an "s" in front of it. Man was he shocked when Ron Paul put him in a headlock and starting noogieing him", continued Boehner with a laugh. "He said the magic word again, just like everyone else who got noogied, and is now watching Hillary as I speak".
We even caught New York Senator, Charles Schumer, trying to be tricky by saying 'Cats"k" Mountains'. He paid the price just like everyone else. This is just so damn hilarious".
"But you know what? With just 10 Congressmen and an empty observation deck, it is just really, really quiet in here. I tell you the silence is killing me!"