Written by Morse
Print this

Wednesday, 19 January 2011

image for Repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" & Hormonal Change in Liberals Blamed for Hoarding of Popular Tampons!
Run on Tampons Cleans Out Supermarket Shelves & Blamed on Hormonal Change in Liberals!

A run on a popular brand of non-applicator type tampons has put far left liberals in a 'bloody mess' according to Chris Matthews, the talking head of CNBC's 'anchor' show, "Hairball" in a late night rant attributed to his panties bunching up in his arse crack.

While Matthews would not address the question directly, reports from the popular auction site eBay claims the hard to find tampons are being bid up to three times their shelf price in a frenzy of demand, especially in liberal leaning west coast states, and in the frigid northeast.

Pundits have advanced the theory that the run is the result of 'a perfect storm', when two divergent anomalies appear within a short time span of each other and coincide with the full moon.

Experts cite the recent repeal of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' in the military and point to a run on the tampons in local PX stores on military bases around the world. Canadian proctologist Victor Nicholas, often quoted on matters pertaining to the rectum, confirmed the initial findings.

"We are getting reports through our contacts in the States that many of the military now coming out of the closet have not been properly instructed in the use of tampons, especially the non-applicator type. We have heard of instances where the items have been installed side ways, and in more than one case, upside down. It really leads to a big arse mess, let me tell you. You'd think since they pushed for this repeal someone would have instructed the lads in the proper installation, eh?"

As Nicholas continued, he pointed out that the tampons were also being abused.

"These items are meant to promote anal hygiene, but we are now finding that they are replacing Ben Wah balls as an anal stimulation directed at the Prostrate causing users to have an erection lasting 24 hours or more! I ask you, how are these guys supposed to fight a war with a stiff dick 24/7, Eh, Eh?"

The second event leading up to the run on the tampons has been traced to the very liberal media and their immediate and hysterical linking of the Arizona shooting tragedy to conservative talk show hosts.

A well known psychotherapist with 72 websites and a PhD who specializes in mental disorders amongst liberal apologists , likens the reaction to menopause, also known as PMS, where women tend to act irrationally mostly due to hormonal imbalance.

"I fear the left has gone hormonal on us,' she said on one of her blogs, "if you listen to Matthews and Keith Olbermann you notice their voices have gone up at least two octaves, and there doesn't appear to be any new growth of facial hair on them. There's definitely a lack of testosterone showing up on the left which is leading to a complete hormonal breakdown resulting in a stigmata type effect causing rectal bleeding!"

The manufacturer of the popular item says they are gearing up production to meet the increasing demand and told retailers to expect a 'slight rise in price' due to the frenzied hoarding phenomena.

Meanwhile, a rival company said their product which caters to the incontinent, has also been flying off the shelves as those afflicted with anal bleeding seek alternatives.

Asked if he thought the trend would continue after the 2012 Presidential election, a Washington Journalist widely thought to have published the new Obama tell all book, "O", smiled wistfully, and said, "Well, it all DEPENDS if certain people get their fingers out of their arse and stop talking shit!"

Make Morse's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story


Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!


What's 1 plus 1?

8 11 3 2
53 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more