NEW YORK CITY - It is now officially official, Regis Philbin, the Regis of Live With Regis and Kelly is following in the footsteps of his hero and mentor Larry King and retiring.
Philbin, who is 79, but looks 49, or so he says has decided to hang up his microphone. He quipped to co-host Kelly Ripa who is 40, that it is time to take his microphone and get the hell out of Dodge before Kanye West takes it away from him.
Kelly, with a tear in her eye, or maybe it was lip gloss said, that if Kanye "The Pest" dared to take the microphone from her adopted 'Grandfather" that she would kick him in his 'nads so hard that the only songs he would be able to sing would be high-pitched songs by Clay Aiken.
When Regis was asked who would be replacing him he smiled and said that the shows producers had interviewed three possible replacements.
The first one was New York's own Reverend Al Sharpton, but they soon nixed that idea because Live With Reverend Al and Kelly sounded too much like a Midwest minstrel revival show and they did not want to offend the atheist who make up 1.1 percent of America's population.
Their next choice was the now-retired from football future hall-of-famer quarterback Brett Favre. And although the producers did like the sound of Live With Brett and Kelly, they were just very concerned that Brett would make an unsolicited pass at Kelly during the commercials.
The third person whom they interviewed was none other than the GOP's number one mouthpiece himself Rush Hudson Limbaugh.
The producers all agreed that the name Live With Rush and Kelly sounded great. They knew that people would turn in just to hear the ridiculously outlandish things that the Sarah "Crosshairs" Palin ass-kisser would utter.
So when the time comes for Regis Philbin to hang up his microphone, his Depends, his bottle of Geritol, and his jock strap, he will do so secure in the knowledge that Rush Limbaugh will step in and sit his humongous butt right next to the Palinista hating Kelly Ripa.
The producers did stress to Mr. Limbaugh that they would appreciate it if he would not smoke his 12-inch imported West Hollywood cigars while on the air. Limbaugh informed them that in order for him to overcome his nervousness he needs to be sucking on something.