Faced with lawsuits from airline passengers and its own employees, the U.S. Transportation Security Administration (TSA) said today that it will discontinue the use of naked-body scanners at U.S. airports beginning March 2011. Passengers have long complained that these x-ray machines violate their privacy while TSA employees have alleged harm to their health due to constant exposure to radiation.
By March, the TSA would have deployed a small army of proctologists, gynecologists, and registered nurses at key U.S. airports to conduct full-body search including anal and vaginal cavity probes on passengers. Unlike TSA employees who have been managing the scanners, these new employees would be qualified medical personnel. TSA chief John S. Connelly said, "The biggest concern with the naked-body scanners was that they were manned by people who had no real qualifications in radiology. But the new proctologists and GYNs will be real M.D.s. It will be like getting an annual health exam."
U.S. Secretary for Homeland Security Janet Mussoliniano warned terrorists, "You can come but you can't hide anything. This is America." She said the new measures were taken in part because of the recent arrest of twelve Middle Eastern men from an Air France flight. The men hid bomb parts in their anal cavity and managed to bring them onboard. Fortunately, the plot was discovered before an explosive device could be assembled. One of the men lost a bomb part and clogged the toilet.
Association of American Proctologists issued a statement praising the decision. John D. Worack, its current President said, "Our members have long been the rearguard of America. Today, we are glad to be the vanguard of America's defence as well." Mr. Worack clarified that many proctologists are already employed in government agencies such as the CIA and FBI. "Outside public health, NASA employs most proctologists," he said.
The first objection came from the American Airline Pilots Association, which flatly rejected the move. In the evening, the news exploded on talkshows. Radio host Adam Kerry ended his show on a bizarre note. "My country is under attack. I will gladly go through any kind of search to keep America safe. I am a proud American. God bless America." When a caller asked whether the rich who use private aircraft should also be subjected to the search, he said, "No. If the Rothschilds and Rockfellers of the world are going to searched, then that will be end of these screenings. I don't want that to happen."