WASHINGTON, DC (AP)--Americans were shocked by the public disclosure on Friday that the White House is filled with the victims of oil addiction, including all senior Republicans.
In fact, the entire Administration including President George W. Bush and his wife Laura, Vice President Dick Cheney, and all staff and cabinet members are entering a comprehensive program to cure them from addiction to oil sponsored by the Betty Ford and Mayo clinics.
Doctors have set up emergency medical offices throughout Washington, DC and in the White House itself to identify and treat other oil addicts in the government, industry and the general population.
"My name is George and I'm…I'm…an oil addict," sobbed George Bush in a heart-breaking admission on prime time television. Laura Bush held her husband's hand and then she revealed that she was an addict too.
"My name is Laura…and I'm an oil addict," she blurted out, dabbing her eyes with a hankie.
Dick Cheney then appeared and admitted he was also addicted.
"My name is Dick…I'm one too," the red-eyed Vice President confessed. "That's why we're in Iraq, I guess. It's because of the oil. This is so difficult to admit. All that denial. We've really got it bad. A real oil jones."
All three Republicans, their eyes glistening, seemed to be glad to finally admit they were addicts and were now prepared to do something about it.
A team of doctors from the addiction clinics then appeared in the broadcast and reassured Americans that these addictions can be cured.
"We don't necessarily have to use electroshock therapy anymore to cure these poor wretches," said Dr. Felix Minderbinder of the Mayo Clinic. "Now we can ease them off their addictions gradually using the latest miracle drugs and behavioral programming. A massive switch to renewable energy and conservation across the nation will also help get the nation off oil."
Cameras then showed the presidential couple leaving the White House in a limo under police escort to check into one of the addiction clinics.
The clinics will also treat senior officers in the Pentagon, as well as all members of the US Congress and the Republican Party. US oil and car company executives have also announced that they will be enrolling in programs to receive the cure, which will also be offered to auto workers and America's driving public.
"We shall overcome this terrible affliction," said White House spokesman Scott McClellan before he too left to check into a clinic.