Written by mikewadestr
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Topics: Jesus

Friday, 14 January 2011

Jesus Christ shocked the congregation at New Your City's St. Patrick's Cathedral by showing up during the celebration of the Eucharist this past Sunday. Unfortunately for Jesus Christ, the congregation shocked Jesus Christ back, by eating him.

"Boy, Jesus couldn't have arrived at a better time", exclaimed St. Patrick's Monsignor Literal. "I mean, he arrived at a good time for us, but, maybe not so much a good time for him".

"It just happened that just before Jesus arrived, we discovered that the altar boy who was responsible for ensuring that the church's stock of wine and unleavened bread that is to be used for the celebration of the Eucharist, had slacked on his duties. We were just absolutely beside ourselves. I mean here we are, ready to celebrate the Eucharist with a few hundred members of our congregation and we have no wine or unleavened bread. Man, you should have seen the way Father Boinkerson gave him the rod up his bajeeber for his mistake… Father Boinkerson likes to punish altar boys".

"Anyway, just as we were about to call off the celebration of the Eucharist, in walks Jesus Christ himself. We were like, wow, here is the actual body and blood of Jesus Christ right in front of our face. We jumped on the opportunity… well we jumped on Jesus and cut him up for the celebration. It was the best celebration of the Eucharist that we ever had".

When asked if Jesus said anything important, like when will the world end or what will happen to everyone on earth, Monsignor Literal responded: "He kinda yelled and shouted out something like, 'NO, NO, WAIT. AAAAHHHHH…. YOUR KILLING MEEEEE!!!!' before going silent. It didn't seem to be anything important or profound, but it will be up to the Pope and biblical scholars to decide what is important and what is not. We are just glad that Jesus arrived when he did. I am sure that he enjoyed the Eucharist just as much or more that the rest of us. I mean, Jesus does seem to like getting killed for us, doesn't he?"

Unfortunately, not everyone in the congregation was happy about getting the "real" body and blood of Jesus Christ.

"Happy to get the body of Christ?" exclaimed an exasperated Johnny Dump. "You don't even want to know what part of Jesus Christ they gave me".

But for the most part, the congregation seemed to feel the whole experience uplifting.

"I used to think that Rocky Mountain Oysters were awesome until today", said old Mrs. NibberSniffer. My goodness, was the body of Jesus ever so tasty".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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