A San Jose man has found that using an iPhone app that creates various fart noises has come in handy when he finds himself in crowded bar during happy hour. John Flatulence downloaded the app a year ago when he came across it at the website TheBigStink.web.
"It all started a year ago", said Flatulence. "I was really getting sick and tired of going into my favorite bar at happy hour and not being able to find a seat at the bar. My back was killing me from standing amongst the crowd that was hanging out behind the patrons on the bar stools. I just could never get to happy hour early enough to get a stool".
"I remember one Friday when I was standing there and all of the sudden a great big smelly fart came out of me. The affect just amazed me. People immediately started gagging and clearing space all around me. A whole group of people who were sitting at the bar in front of me even abandoned their seats to flee the smell. It was the best happy hour that I had ever had."
Unfortunately, Flatulence was never able to repeat the performance in the timely and predictable manner in which he had done the first time. He tried various diets of beans and chili but could never get the timing of his farts just right.
"I was either going off too early when I was at work, which was good because it did end a lot of boring meetings early, or I was going off too late, like just after happy hour ended", continued Flatulence. "I could never get the right combination of sound and smell to go together either. In too many cases, I ended up letting out a wet one, which pretty much killed any chance of an enjoyable happy hour. I finally found this app on the web and it has done me wonders".
"What I found, is that using a real long loud sounding fart works best. I set the app off and begin to grimace my face as if I am forcing out a really big one. The big one is then followed by one or two little ones after which I tell everyone: 'Not to worry, the smelly ones haven't started just yet'. That pretty much seals the deal as everyone clears away from me and many even head out of the bar".
When asked why the bar's managers and bar tenders allow Flatulence to stay, he responded: "I tell them that I am here for just a few drinks and that if they kick me out I am going to have all 50 of my cousins, brothers, sisters, aunts and uncles, who all fart worse than I do, come visit the bar one at a time every single day of the week and stay until closing. Geez, I only never stay for more than an hour, and there is plenty of room for everyone to crunch up in on the other side of the bar".
The bar, which has asked to remain anonymous, has told us that they are currently trying to work out some sort of "deal" with Flatulence, to clear the air of its discontent.