Crawford, TX -- George W. Bush "smoked" Lance Armstrong on a mountain bike ride around his Crawford, Texas ranch, according to Press Secretary Scott McClellan. Riding without his Discovery Channel teammates, Armstrong was repeatedly harassed, crashed into, and run off the trail by Secret Service agents riding black Treks, wearing their signature dark sunglasses and Sony earbuds. "With no UCI officials to call "foul, I had about as much of a chance as John Kerry did in Ohio," claimed Armstrong.
"The ride started out friendly enough" detailed Armstrong. "I was chatting with the Prez and his goons stayed a ways behind us. But when we came to the first hill, and I instinctively started to pull ahead, all of a sudden I found myself surrounded by men in black. They boxed me in and slowed to a crawl. Meanwhile the President pedaled past all of us in his lowest gear. It was the same way the entire ride."
Armstrong, a cancer survivor, had gone to the Bush ranch to discuss the potential for increased funding for cancer research. He also attempted to convince the President he had to sit down and talk with Cindy Sheehan if he didn't want to appear "weak." "Hey, I might prefer talking exclusively to Sheryl Crowe, but I still have to talk to my ex now and then about alimony, palimony, child support, that kind of thing. "Unpleasant as that may be, it's something that can't be avoided, or put off forever." "I can't have the world knowing a Seven-time tour de France winner is terrified of his ex-wife, can I?"
Team SS (Secret Service) reportedly deputized leading mountain bike riders including Tom Danielson, and Andy Hampsted to keep Armstrong from making the President look like a wimp. "They had me completely fenced in," said Armstrong. "And all the photo-ops were pre-arranged to be on downhills with the Prez having a pretty big head start on me. Arrgh!! "
Eventually even Armstrong's "hospitality" started wearing thin as he jammed his bike pump in the spokes of a particularly aggressive Secret Service Agent, who immediately flew over the handlebars. A couple of elbow butts sent two others off course, only to be replaced by fresh "goons." "It was like being in a James Bond flick," claimed Armstrong. After two hours and seven flats caused by "Stop Sticks" thrown out by agents hiding in the bushes, and stopping to replace four wheels taco'd by collisions with the men in black, Armstrong, bruised, bloody, and still one ball short, came in only two minutes behind the world leader.
Afterwards," according to Armstrong, "The President was quite jovial, kidding about my legs being the "Weapons of Mass Destruction" he'd been looking for. He said, "All this time, and those guns were out on Tour - De France - get it! get it! Har har har. " You feel like doing some riding in Iran in a couple of weeks, cause I promise you you'll be able to!"