Los Angeles- Startling friends and former lovers and former playmates and former lovers of playmates and former friends of lovers of playmates, and former lovers of friends of playmates, Hugh Hefner announced today that he is marrying himself and consequently is coming out of the closet as a homosexual. "After years of practicing self love, I think I've finally perfected it", Hefner announced to an inexplicably assembled group of ambitious Hooter's waitresses and one reporter.
Asked to describe his feelings, Hefner gushed. "Well, I'm just thrilled. I really didn't know what I was going to say until I got down on one knee and actually proposed to myself. I was totally caught off guard, but hey, who wouldn't want to be married to me? Certainly not me. Or certainly me. I mean, I definitely would want to be married to me or wouldn't not want to be. I mean I would… or wouldn't not." Hefner took a prolonged draw of his customary pipe, stared unblinkingly off into the distance, blew out a smooth stream of silky gray tobacco smoke and pondered a life filled with confounding conversations such as the one he'd just had with himself. He seemed content. He seemed in love. He seemed to be drooling out of the left corner of his mouth.
Holly Madison, Hefner's former playmate girlfriend bristled in response to news of the engagement. "He's just marrying himself for the money", she whined. "He'll see. He's not all he's cracked up to be."
Further north, the San Francisco City Council called an emergency meeting this morning and hastily legalized self-marriage as thousands of narcissistic Californians, including every single Hollywood Celebrity, are expected to flood city halls, churches and synagogues across the state over the next several weeks. In response, reasonably self-absorbed Californians who oppose self-marriage are readying Proposition Are-You-F-ing-Kidding-Me for immediate passage.