HARVARD (UPI)-Prominent political scholars have combined numerous empirical studies in a treatise delivered today in conjunction with the graduation of the Class of 2005 at the premier Law School of our land and the world. Quite simply, the publication ‘spells out' what politics, political parties and the voting process are all about. According to the document's introduction, it's 'an anagram telegram, a thumbnail point paper that boils the whole thing down to its essence.'
In terms the average person with a dictionary could easily comprehend, senior professor Luke Alaikaman proudly proclaimed, "This handy reference guide will help young and old alike who are still ‘fence-sitting and undecided about their political leaning." Though a sneak peek at the pamphlet will not be a feather in your average politician's cap exactly.
For the ill- or uninformed, the pocket guide begins with the very basics. What's the meaning of politics? Basically, the definition is: Patronizing Obfuscation Loathsome Irritation Tirelessly Insulting Common Sense. It was right there all along, but now the expansion makes it so much easier to understand.
Political affiliation is a quandary in which many Americans are hopelessly lost. The Harvard anagrammatic makes the decision a snap. You're a Liberal if you resemble someone who's a Lethargic Intellectually Bulimic Educational Retard Abandoning Logic. Many Liberals are also Democrats, or Deficiently Enlightened Misanthropic Obliviously Catatonic Reactionary Antagonistic Troglodytes. Conservatives, on the other hand, are Collectively Organized Naturally Savvy Exposing Radical Viewpoints Advocating Truth Instilling Values Everywhere. Most Conservatives are Republicans, or Rationally Empowered Principally Unbiased Born Leader Informed Constitutionally Aware Nationalists.
With red and blue issues now fully explained, broader issues can now be deservedly clarified. Take the vote, the foundation of the American political institution. In its purest form what you cast is a Vastly Overrated Trust Eraser. Votes are cast collectively on a ballot, or Badly Administered Lemming Like Oxymoron Test.
We owe Harvard a debt of thanks for their long-awaited revelations. After all, we're all citizens of the United States of America, or rather Unintentionally Numbed Importing Terrorism Exporting Democracy Systematically Tearing Apart Threatened Endangered Species of Ambitious Minds Extending Reach Into Countries Abroad.