Chicago, Illinois- A visibly shaken Charles Wilkinson alerted authorities this afternoon to a new and compelling threat to national security, or maybe just to his sanity, as his wife's mother and father, Norman and Myrna Bombenek, have yet to leave the couple's north side home following an extended Christmas visit.
"Totally unexpected and, in a word, terrifying," reported Wilkinson to a rapidly gathering group of stunned reporters.
"You mean," one reporter asked incredulously, "they've been at your house for 5 weeks?"
"Yes," replied Wilkinson in a haunted whisper, cautiously looking behind him, no doubt in fear of his mother-in-law's emergence from the 3 story house of doom.
Wilkinson's fear appeared justified as Myrna Bombenek threw open the front door and directed the quivering father of three back into the house.
"Charles, can you come inside and help Norman with the TV remote? Also, can I heat my coffee in the toaster oven or do you have a microwave? Later can we go to the pharmacy? Norman needs Efferdent. Are we having leftovers again tonight or are we going out? Don't worry about us, we'll eat whatever you have, but you're running low on bread and orange juice and Lipton's Tea...and just about everything else too.
"Do you have any crackers? Norman likes to eat split pea soup and crackers while he watches Law & Order reruns. You weren't watching that football game were you? Oh, and the toilet in the guest bathroom is backed up again. I told Norman not to use it, but he must not have heard me. The man refuses to wear his hearing aids.
"Do you mean to keep the house so cold? I turned the heat up to 78. It's comfy now."
The press, seemingly paralyzed by fear, could only look on in horror as Bombenek grasped the hand of the wild eyed and petrified husband of Deborah Wilkinson and slowly pulled him back into what undoubtedly has become an abode of unspeakable atrocities.