CINCINNATI, Ohio - A man who went to high school with Speaker of the House John Boehner has told a reporter for The Cincinnati Afternoon Informant newspaper that he knows exactly why it is that Boehner is almost constantly crying when he is on television.
Cullen Fiffenclick formerly of Reading, Pennsylvania, Boehner's home town disclosed that back in high school anytime that John knew that he was going to have his photo taken, or videotaped, or even sketched, he would become extremely nervous and actually start to cry.
Fiffenclick said that as a result every photo or videotape of John came out with his eyes filled with tears. Cullen laughed and said that the members of John's scholastic tug-of-war team used to call him John The Crier, not to be confused with Jon Cryer, Charlie Sheen's co-star on the hit sit-com Two and A Half Men.
Fiffenclick commented that John even cried more than all of the girls in his homemaking class put together. Yes, John was the only male in Mrs. Bertha Afterbrisker's homemaking class.
Afterbrisker, who looked a lot like a buxom Sandra Bullock, used to kid John about him wearing a blue gingham apron with a picture of a blue jay, a bluebird, and a blue bra embroidered on it.
John would reply that he did not care if the other guys made fun of him because he knew that he was not gay and he was positive that he was not gay because once when Mrs. Afterbrisker bent over and showed a vast expanse of her girdle John said that all of a sudden he got a kind of frisky feeling in the crotch region of his boxer shorts.
Fiffenclick said that when John graduated and went on to college he soon realized that he would find himself crying for no reason. A friend of his mother, Glitzy Birdfellow worked in one of the college cafeterias. She instantly noticed his penchant for shedding tears.
She suggested that one way to possibly prevent this weird ass affliction (Birdfellow's words) was for him to chew some onion-flavored chewing gum to counteract the tears.
Mrs. Birdfellow just happened to have some. She gave it to him and he immediately found that he loved the onion-flavored gum. In fact, truth be told, John Boehner actually became addicted to this onion-flavored chewing gum.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: I found out in a phone conversation with John Boehner's wife, Deborah, that no one but John, her, and now yours truly knows that Johnny Boy, as she calls him in bed, checked himself into The Henry and Betty Ford Rehab Clinic in order to cure his addiction. Debbie Webbie as Johnny Boy calls his wife in bed revealed that her husband had gotten up to chewing as many as 50 sticks of the onion-flavored chewing gum per day.]
Boehner has flat out admitted that he cannot quit chewing the onion-flavored chewing gum. And the sad part is that now the onion smell is starting to affect him in the sense that it makes him cry. It is a vicious cycle. He gets nervous about being on camera. He chews the gum. And the gum makes him cry.
There are estimates that as many as 140 people throughout America may be addicted to onion-flavored chewing gum. If you are one of these 140 individuals or if you know of someone who is please go to www.lickingtheonionflavoredchewinggumhabit.gum to get help.