Washington, D.C. - Capitol Hill correspondent Amethyst Ryder spoke with U.S. Representative John Boehner (R-OH) on Thursday as he settled into his new role as Speaker of the House.
"There are going to be some changes around here," Boehner said as a semi-trailer emblazoned with the Coppertone logo pulled up in front of the Capitol. "Yes, indeed. First on the agenda is to pick apart that so-called health-care bill like vultures plucking away the flesh from a rotting carcass. Makes me weep tears of joy just thinking about it."
After stuffing a saturated handkerchief back into the pocket of his suit, Boehner added, "We're also going to follow through on renaming those air safety alerts. Color coding was too confusing; every time we had a Code Orange, people thought they were going to be flying with me."
"Next," Boehner continued, "We introduce a daily glass of orange juice at every representative's seat, because a day without orange juice is like a day without sunshine--God forbid," he said, crossing himself and dabbing at the corners of his eyes.
"Also, there will be a few procedural changes. Each day's work will now begin with the mandatory reading of the Constitution, and any representative who fails to attend will go on record as de facto declaring himself to be an atheistic Commie-Socialist bastard who burns the flag and probably hates baseball."
"We're all about the Constitution," declared Boehner. "My constitution requires soaking up those health-giving, vitamin-D producing rays three times a day, rain or shine."
Tears welled up in Boehner's eyes as he added, "Melanin is a beautiful thing, as long as you weren't born in Kenya."