Written by Harold Q. Fuey
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Topics: Susan Boyle

Friday, 7 January 2011

image for SuBo fanatics get frozen!
Wake me up in 2061 babe!

Susan Boyle red scarf wearing fanatical loonies have today announced that they are launching a cryonics facility for their fanatics. The new 'Fanatical Loonies Ultimate Freezing Facility' (FLUFF) is now open for business, and is expected to be able to freeze at least 10 fanatics per day.

"Many of our fanatics are worried they'll not be able to attend Susan's 100th birthday party, what with being over 100 already, so we have decided to freeze them so they can continue to be fanatics in the future!" confirmed the chief scientist, Dr. C. Hills.

"We are currently making quilts to give Susan every year for her birthday, including a special one on her 100th birthday. I have to be there for that, so my wealthy husband has paid for me to be frozen so I can be brought back to life just in time for the party!" smiled a wealthy fanatic. "He doesn't seem to mind at all. I don't see him much these days anyway, what with all the emergency conferences he has to attend with his secretary," continued the deluded old dear.

The freezing procedure costs $1 million per fanatic, and takes around 20 minutes. "We use only the best equipment for our fanatics! They are hit over the head with a gold-plated mallet, thrown into a gold-plated bath tub, covered with ice cubes recovered from partially-consumed drinks at the local fast food restaurant, wrapped in plastic trash bags, and then stuck in the deep freeze," said operative Mr. F. Reeza. "As you can see, we hardly make any money out of this!" he continued while rubbing his hands and grinning.

"We operate this service as a non-profit organisation, with an 'independent' Board of Directors," insisted Dr. C. Hills, "but if we do happen to make any profit we will donate it to a charity of our choice, even if we don't have any authority to do so! We expect to be making out lots of checks to the 'Campaign Against Suffering Hedgehogs' (C.A.S.H) in this coming year!"

It is not known whether the organisation will still be around in 2061 to bring the fanatics back to life. "We can't guarantee anything! We bought the best freezers Crap-o-Mart had to offer. If they crap out then that's life! What do you want for $69.99?!" grinned the chief scientist while rushing off to the local Rolls-Royce dealership.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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