Special to INS - Anarchist Liam Breton of Tampa announced that he has settled on a date to foment rebellion in the lower 48 states. Alaska and Hawaii are not to be included because he only has 8,200 points in his frequent-flyer program. Breton's inspiration for the rebellion came from his uncanny resemblance to Vzladhimazh Lezhinsk (Vladimir Lenin).
In an interview with Wolf Blitzer, Breton said, "I figure April 3 would be good, because that's the date that Lenin arrived at the Finland Station in Petrograd in 1917. If I take an Amtrak train from Tampa on April second, I'll be in Penn Station by 7:32 in the evening on the third, just in time to catch an off-Broadway show. Stomp might be good-get me in the mood, you know. I've already lined up the Altones, a quartet from my community, Snobis Birdis Terra, to sing the Marseille when I step off the train."
When pressed by Blitzer to reveal the purpose of the revolution, Breton pulled out a 300-page manifesto, along with his sub-prime mortgage, that he will have copied and laid at the doorways of Goldman Sachs, the stock exchanges, and other financial centers in New York. "If I'm lucky, one of those Wall Street thieves will trip over the damn pile."
Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, at a hastily called news conference in Washington, said that she was aware of the Breton threat: "Breton's been under surveillance ever since he refused to bend over during a cavity check at Tampa Airport last month, despite the fact that we've installed smiley-face tiles in the inspection area. Plus, the TSA gal offered to check his prostate while in there as part of a special offer I put in place recently."