Written by Big Bunny News
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Tuesday, 4 January 2011

image for Arkansas Mystery now being called a Massacre

In Arkansas, there are so many questions and no answers to the mysterious death of thousands of birds and fish that a host of investigators have been brought in from all branches of law enforcement. At a Press Conference today they discussed some of their theories, in a hope to uncover more clues.

First to speak was Fox Mulder from FBI X-Files. He said that he saw 3 possible explanations. Number one that the Bermuda Triangle could have shifted to Arkansas during the terrible East Coast storms. Number two, it could also be some sort of mass Satanic bird and fish suicide pact. But, he said that he favored the third idea that drunken Xmas aliens had returned to Arkansas and gone berserk shooting off death rays in all directions and pissing their alien toxic waste into the rivers.

When asked why they had returned to Arkansas, he replied that he believed that the whole population of the state had once been abducted and the alien cross-mating had resulted in this strange race of semi-toothless, look-a-like, banjo players. He said the discovery of a canoe belonging to Burt Reynolds with the graffiti "Sod you, squeaky piggy" on its side, didn't bode well.

Dana Scully quickly interjected to stress that nothing had been proved yet, and that it was quite possible that there was a perfectly logical explanation for all this, like the birds may have just died because they didn't have any parachutes. The truth is out there, said Mulder.

At that moment, an officer burst into the room with the news that Catwoman and the Penguin had been spotted running away from Arkansas and were now being considered prime suspects. A toothpick and a tuxedo have been found in the river, while dead birds were arranged on in the town square saying "Hitchcock flunked this one, I got there first, Meow"

Batman and Robin arrived late. When batman heard the news that the Batmobile was already in hot pursuit with Al Gore at the wheel, he cried out Holy ozone layers !!!! He apologized for the delay saying he had problems with his boxer shorts sticking to his costume, while Robin was all tied up.

Breaking developments: The possible role of Batman baddies in what is now being officially called "the Arkansas Massacre" seems to have deepened after a note was found pinned to Little Rock Zoo railings saying "Sing a song of sixpence, a pocket full of rye. Four thousand and twenty blackbirds backed in a pie." signed by the Riddler. It is thought that the dastardly rascal may have jettisoned the birds from the toilet of the Plummet Airlines 666 flight from Norwich to Little Rock, which reported severe turbulence on its approach.

But more worrying is the second verse, which suggests there maybe more to come. It reads : "The maid was in the garden hanging out the clothes when down came a blackbird and pecked off her nose." Authorities are taking the threat seriously and Commissioner Gordon has told all people to stay indoors and use their tumble dryers.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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