CAPITOL HILL-Having exhausted every possible scheme and ploy to fleece the American voting public, the US Senate Finance Committee has come up with a way to introduce the country's youth to the idea that nothing is free. Commencing upon enactment into law, Senate Bill S. 1040 will require all American kids to forfeit 25 percent of all allowance money they receive, whether they work for it or not, to go directly into the General Fund.
To further enforce the spirit and letter of the law, parents will be required to provide complete family budget records on a monthly basis to account for all family income, including allotments for kids' allowances. Also, parents who cease paying their children's allowance to avoid the new tax will be fined ten times the amount they would have paid before stopping allowance payment. Such penalty will continue every month until regular allowance payments resume. Either way America wins.
Children's advocates say the new law is a mixed blessing. "Citizenship is an important lesson for children to learn, but this is a pretty high price," fourth grade civics teacher Miss Ana Rexick said in a recent Spoof News interview. Kids were also incensed at the thought of losing a full quarter of their spending money. "Now I'll either have to nag my parents outright or else promise to do more chores around the house to make up for all the cash I'm gonna lose," whined 10-year-old Philma Pockets. Kids and parents from Maine to California are reeling from the implications of the new law. "Heck, I have been paying my kids just to keep them out of my face when I come home from a hard day's work," lamented Missouri sanitation worker, Sheldon "Stinky" Watson. "Now I'll have to pay them more, and that means less beer for me. It's just not fair, I tell you."
Budget analysts estimate that more than $2 billion in potential "windfall" revenue is expected during the first year's allowance tax receipts. IRS has already hired 15,000 new employees to handle the new collection and auditing functions the new tax law will require. At a minimum, the new tax technicians will absorb approximately $3.4 billion in salaries. Not surprising is the fact that the foreknowledge of the resulting deficit did nothing to deter the lawmakers from their perpetual quest for the almighty dollar. Maybe in a weak moment Congress will lower the voting age to 10 and then those most affected by the new law might be put down their video game controllers long enough to mobilize to repeal the allowance tax. Then again, I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you.