Written by Charpa93
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Friday, 31 December 2010

image for Man Nearly Drowns After Chain Smoking Water Vapor Cigarette Substitute

An Arkansas man is in stable condition at Our Lady of Perpetual Mercy Hospital after suffering a near drowning incident at his home in Hog Jaw. Slim Pickums, Vice Commander of the Hog Jaw Knights of Columbus was rushed to OLPM late Wednesday night after his wife found him on the living room floor face down in a puddle of water.

Sally Pickums told reporters that her husband, Slim, mentioned to her that one of his New Year's resolutions was going to be to quit smoking. Sally had seen a commercial on television for a smoking cessation product called the "Ciggy Break" and decided to order one for Slim for Christmas. The Ciggy Break is advertised as using a revolutionary new technology that electronically produces water vapor in place of smoke and satisfies smokers so they don't reach for real cigarettes.

Unfortunately, Slim Pickums has been a chain smoker for 30 years and while he hoped this product would help him quit the habit, he didn't realize how difficult it would be. Evidently, he didn't read the instructions and tried using the product exactly the way he used regular cigarettes, by continuously puffing away on the water vapor.

"I tried," said Slim, "I honestly tried, but when I didn't get no satisfaction like I did when puffing on my Luckies (referring to his regular brand of cigarettes, Lucky Strikes), I just kept pulling in more and more of that water vapor. I musta passed out, cause the next thing I know, I was laying in a ambulance, with my clothes soaking wet."

"Most people quit smoking for one of two reasons" he said, "their health and to save money. Hell, just look at me. I'm worse off now than before Sally bought me that darned contraption."

Slim claims that once he's out of the hospital, he's gonna take up smoking again. "I damn near died trying to stop-smoking and then, to top it off, the money I'm gonna owe to the hospital woulda bought me a truckload of Luckies. You can bet as soon as I'm outta here, the first stop on the way home is 7-Eleven."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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