Written by Tawdry Soup
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Thursday, 30 December 2010

A new computer application available to baby boomers, who are now reaching retirement age at the rate of 10,000 a day, allows optimistic boomers to plan for an affluent retirement at the ripe old age of 170.

The program allows the user to type in variables such as amount of current savings, expected expenses such as healthcare and amount of desired disposable income. After the user hits the "calculate" button, they can see what age they will have enough money to keep from starving to death in a rundown shack. Eternally optimistic baby boomers, who continue to see death as an option, are elated when they realize they only need to work another 100 years to retire rich beyond their wildest dreams.

Tawdry Soup caught up with recent computer convert Don Dryer 61, as he fiddled with the retirement planning application while attending a loosely organized computer training class at the local Goodwill. "Man, I've been looking for work since '02. That's when I lost my sales job at Sunbeam," explained Dryer, as he wiped his nose with the back of his hand. "But this program puts it all in perspective. I spent all my money on this'n that and whatnot when I was employed, so I'm basically broke. But when I get my next job, all I have to make is 92,000 a year, save a few dollars every month, and retire a millionaire at 166. Believe me, I already got that money spent. Hot tubs, naked women and.." he lowered his voice, "…the best fucking grass you ever smoked."

Just then, a couple of fellow boomers, one a ripe-smelling wino, who was looking at porn in the next cubicle, began eagerly searching for something in his pants pocket. The other, a wild-eyed schizophrenic woman with filthy matted hair, stood up over the ramshackle cluster of cubicles and screamed, "How do you work these God-damned things!"

Tawdry Soup gave Dryer a couple of bucks to get him on the right track and walked out into the bleak gray cold of a December morning in America.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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