New York: Hugh Hefner was called upon last night by NYPD to try to talk a man down off the roof of The Empire State Building. The man was clearly deranged as through a loud hailer he addressed a huge crowd gathered below. Police had to cordon off 33rd and 34th streets. Work associates said the forty-year old male was a very likeable and generous guy who worked nights in all weathers serving soup to many of New York's homeless. He loved classical music, had self-published a book of his romantic poems, and was always very polite. He cared deeply about the old and the downtrodden and had enormous respect for women, campaigning often in support of feminist issues.
Yesterday morning,Charles Camillo Francis Percival cycled as usual to a hospital (cannot be named) where he worked as a male nurse in the geriatrics' ward. Over his morning break he read a newspaper account about media tycoon Hugh Hefner 84 and his plans to marry stunning centrefold model Crystal Harris aged 24.
"Something snapped in Charlie", according to an eye-witness. "His eyes went real weird and his face kinda black."
At lunch time, Charles made his way by cab to the The Empire State Building, took an elevator to the viewing platform and climbed up to the tallest antenna. Latching onto it with one arm he proceeded to announce his suicidal intentions through a loud hailer.
"I can't take it any fucking more!" he yelled. "This is the last straw! That old Viagra-sodden fart has been getting laid more often than a Dung Beetle since puberty and I can't even get a fucking date! Enough is enough I'm tellin' ya! I haven't been near an exposed round tit that isn't digital in over seven fucking, miserable, ball breaking years! Cripples in wheelchairs get more action than me! Toothless paraplegics weighing only two kilos see more pussy in a week than I do in a fucking decade! The last time I was laid was in Berlin in 1989 when the wall came down and the woman was drunk and not even fucking German! In fact, I think she was a Turkish transvestite. Is there no justice on this crazy planet? I am a decent man. I mean harm to no one. I live a decent life. I deserve to have a glimpse of the welcoming mat at least once every five fucking years. Is that too much to ask!!!!? I hate that fossil-prick Hugh Hefner and my blood will soon be upon his lipstick-covered, dumbass, mummy's fucking, grinning skull!!!!"
Fearing the worst, Chief Constable and one-time movie star Michael O"Rourke phoned Hefner who was in town judging a naked beauty pageant to come and try to talk the man down. Hefner graciously complied. He left immediately, after interviewing the winning contestant in her dressing room. His bride-to-be wearing a bright red, leather, micro mini-skirt, black fishnet stockings and matching see-through lace blouse, went with him.
Hefner was flown by helicopter to the top of New York's tallest to talk to Charles via a megaphone. Nobody knows exactly what was said but the man jumped within seconds while Hugh was in mid-sentence, killing a nun as he landed in the middle of Fifth Avenue.
Chief Constable O'Rourke told reporters that he didn't think it was a good idea for Hefner to bring "the leggy blond" with him in the helicopter, but Hefner had insisted, as he had brought his own camera crew with him. "I just need one shot of Crystal up front, tits out, with the screaming Percival in the background. It's the scoop of a lifetime. The next issue of Playboy will go ballistic, globally!" he had implored.
Mayor of New York Michael Bloomberg said that "Hugh Hefner had done all he could to help, as any brave man would." And he would see to it that he was awarded a medal for gallantry as soon as possible. "The world needs more Hugh Hefners and less nuts like Percival", he told reporters."Who knows? He might even invite me to the wedding," he added with a laugh.
Charles will be buried in a common grave on Saturday. It is not expected that the funeral will be well attended. New York's Catholic Archbishop Fr. Timothy Dolan called for stricter security around The Empire State Building and hoped Mr. Hefner had found "spiritual fulfillment at last with his new bride".