Written by Jill The Shill
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Friday, 12 August 2005

image for Pat Robertson Prays, God Smacks Lynyrd Skynyrd
Sith Lord Karl Rove Summons Robertson

Pat Robertson, who has recently prayed away a hurricane and single…um…double-handedly prayed at least one conservative Supreme Court nominee within inches of the Court, had a divine misfire this week and accidentally smote Lynyrd Skynyrd. "I was aiming for Fitty Cent," the soft-spoken heavenly assassin said when the news broke. "After the Supreme Court finally rolled over, thanks to my prayers two years ago, I was feeling a little frisky!" Following a successful prayer series earlier this spring aimed at toppling Dave Chappelle from his highly popular comedy throne, Pat Robertson decided to try his hand at the music business. "I think I input the wrong color-code," Robertson said

Lynyrd Skynyrd has postponed eight appearances this month because lead singer Johnny Van Zant has inflamed vocal cords. The Southern rock band, best known for songs such as "Free Bird" and "Sweet Home Alabama," announced the tour schedule change late this week, temporarily postponing the South's seasonal secession festivities. Johnny Van Zant is reported to be suffering from `significant vocal cord inflammation and swelling,' resulting from some 'extremely hot, supernatural object being forcefully rammed down his throat'. Supporters of Robertson admit that he used those exact words while praying, but insist that Pat was not the cause of the "Skynyrd Smiting" and instead, laid the blame at the feet of Satan and the Liberal Left.

Satan could not be reached for comment, however, a minor demon from the public relations office in Hell issued a statement denying involvement in the Skynyrd incident: "Pat Robertson is not now, nor has he every been in the employment of Hell or any of Hell's subsidiaries. Consequently, Hell is not responsible for financial loses resulting from any negligent, irresponsible, mundane or reckless use of metaphysical force by Mr. Robertson." Representatives of Heaven will neither confirm nor deny even knowing Pat Robertson or ever acting on any explicit instructions or prayers from Robertson. Heaven similarly denies being a fan of Lynyrd Skynyrd, but does admit to, "being a little burned out on Freebird."

Robertson has vowed not to let the recent incident interfere with his divine intervention. Already on his agenda is adding another "vacancy" on the Supreme Court and insuring Jim Lynch, a 63-year-old retired fire captain from Northglenn, Colorado wins the latest installment of Survivor: Guatemala. He has no immediate plans to pray for world peace, at least until all the heathens are properly cast down into the fiery Pit. "It wouldn't send the right message," Pat chuckled.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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