NORAD, the North American Aerospace Defense Command, has decided to justify its multi-billion dollar annual budget by providing the "NORAD Tracks Santa", which purports to follow Santa Claus as he leaves the North Pole and delivers presents to (Christian!) children around the world.
Unfortunately, NORAD's feeble attempt hasn't fooled a single child over 2 years old --unless they were deprived of oxygen at birth-- and has some children doubting Santa even exists.
"The animated Santa videos on the site are horrible," said one mother of 4. "They make 'Help!... It's the Hair Bear Bunch!' look like 'Fantasia'."
"We have the world's most state-of-the-art tracking systems, and are able to follow Mr. Claus all evening," said a spokesperson for NORAD, which was unable to track two 180 foot-long Boeing 767s before they flew into the largest buildings in New York City.
According to NORAD's official web page on the NORAD Tracks Santa program, the Santa tracking 'service' began on December 24, 1955. A Sears department store placed an advertisement in a Colorado Springs newspaper, telling children that they could telephone Santa Claus and included a number for them to call.
"How embarassing for us," said the NORAD spokespeson. "The telephone number printed was incorrect and calls instead came through to our super-secret Air Defense Command. Thank God the Russkies didn't launch an ICBM that night. We'd be f--ked."
Colonel Shoup, who was on duty that night, told his staff to give all children that called in a "current location" for Santa Claus.
NORAD relies on volunteers to make the program possible. Many volunteers are employees at Cheyenne Mountain and Peterson Air Force Base.
"Volunteers who work at our first line of defense from aerial attack," said Keyport, NJ resident Anthony Rosania, whose three daughters are convinced that Santa is 100% bullsh-t because of NORAD's Santa tracker. "Here's a thought: volunteer to stick around and watch out for nuclear missiles headed toward densely-populated cities. A--holes."