CRAWFORD, TX - In an unscheduled press conference, President Bush said his administration has uncovered "new intelligence" about Cindy Sheehan.
"Cindy Sheehan is nothing but one of those free speech insurgents," President Bush said angrily. "We have have intelligence reports about her that suggest she has stockpiles of WMDs," the President told reporters.
The President's National Security Advisor, Steven Hadley, said, "There is credible intelligence information that al Qaeda is smuggling WMDs into the United States inside of microphones."
"This is exactly why that PATRIOT Act is so important," remarked Vice President Dick Cheney. Cheney continued, "The PATRIOT Act will allow us to secretly grab Cindy Sheehan, strip-search her, harass her, and then order her not to tell anybody or else we can arrest her for violating the secrecy statutes."
President Bush said the most important thing is to get the microphone out of her hands.
"We have to get the microphone out her hands before my poll numbers, uh, to save America. Besides, should free speech insurgents even be allowed to have microphones, let alone with WMDs in them?" decried President Bush. "Thank God for a police state and a sock puppet Congress when you need them!" exclaimed the President.
Department of Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff said, "Americans should be very, very scared of this latest Sheehan story. We may even have to come up with a new color-coded terror alert system centered especially around Cindy Sheehan, or, I mean........WMDs in microphones."
Condoleeza Rice and John Bolton are reportedly getting ready to appeal to the United Nations for a Security Council Resolution calling on Cindy Sheehan to disarm.
One government official, speaking on condition of anonymity, said, "The President would like Ms. Sheehan to just lay down her microphone before we have to take any military action against her, so that he can avert bad press coverage over his despotic actions."
During a press conference, I asked the President if he feels he has taken the prerogative of the executive too far.
"No, not at all. What kind of ridiculous question is that? I am like God, and I have the absolute right to be a despot if I want to! In fact, I like your name Dominus Noster. From now on, everybody will have to refer to me as Dominus Noster His Holiness President George W. Bush," the President answered.
FYI: My name, Dominus Noster, means "our lord."
After I asked the President that question, the Secret Service threw me out of the press conference for asking an "unscripted" question.
I look forward to the next chance I get to ask the President if Karl Rove might be secretly pulling the strings on this whole operation. I will be following this story as it develops very closely.