WASILLA, Alaska - After watching Sarah Palin's latest episode of her hit reality show Sarah Palin's Frozen Alaska, I am beginning to wonder why she would ever remotely want to be president of the United States knowing that it will greatly cut into the tremendous amount of fun she has living up in "The Iceberg State."
In SPFA #6, the "Mama Grizzly" and her 'outdoorsy' family drove up to the Matanuska River in their fancy-as-heck RV. The word Matanuska is an old Eskimo word which means 'water that is so damn cold that salmon cannot breast feed their young because their tit milk is frozen solid.'
The Palin's went white water rafting with their river guide, a long-haired, grizzled individual who goes by the name of "Mud Flap." When Willow "The Pillow" Palin asked him what his real name MF raised his eyebrows and replied that he could not give out that information or else he would violate one of the conditions of his witness protection program directive.
During the rough ride down the Matanuska River, little Piper "The Diaper" Palin, as her mom calls her, almost fell out of the raft, but luckily her mama managed to grab her by the ankles before she had swallowed too much water.
Piper yelled out that she did not like the bumpy raft ride and said that she could feel two salmon sloshing around in her underwear. Bristol told her to behave and to stop acting like Kate "The City Titty" Gosselin.
Sarah's father jumped in and told Piper to stop her bitching because last week they all had to listen to "Fruitcake" Kate Gosselin during the entire show bitch and moan, and complain and bitch, and act like a damn friggin rock and roll bitch diva in heat.
Piper apologized and said that she was sorry. She hugged her mother and promised that she would try and grow 'some.'
"Salmon" Sarah smiled and hollered out, "Now that's the friggin little Piper "Diaper" that I know and love gosh darnit!"
Afterwards the entire group went over To Chucky and Sally's home which is decorated with more animal hides, antlers, polar bear teeth, salmon ovaries, and caribou balls than any other home in the whole darn state.
After Chucky Sr. and Chucky Jr. barbecued some reindeer tongues for everyone, the Palin party drove over to Big Bad Brrrrr Lake. They paid a visit to Marty Bustalenetti's Dog Kennel.
Marty has more sled dogs than anyone in the entire world. The sled dogs live in a gigantic kennel that is the size of a double wide trailer house.
The dogs are fed Lean Cuisine TV dinners and Snapple Diet Peach Tea and they spend their free time watching DVDs of the old Lassie and Rin Tin Tin TV shows.
After giving "Snowsled" Sarah a few dog mushing lessons, Marty turned her loose with a team of sled dogs. She took off and quickly went over the speed limit. She did remember to use her arms to signal when turning.
Bustalenetti said that the former governor caught on quickly and she did a good job of knowing when to yield the right of way and when to stop and let the dogs go number one and number two.
When Mrs. Palin returned back to the kennel camp, Marty made nine-year-old Piper "The Diaper" feel good by naming one of the newest puppies after her. She asked Mr. Bustalenetti if he could also name two other puppies after her two sisters Willow "The Pillow" and Bristol "The Pistol."
Bustalenetti happily agreed. He then leaned close to Sarah and whispered in her ear that he was going to also name one of the puppies after her. Sarah blushed and thanked Marty for naming one of his puppies "Ballsy."
SIDENOTE: The rumor that Bristol's dance partner on Dancing With The Stars, Mark Ballas, is planning on moving up to Wasilla to be near Bristol are untrue. Mark said that one, he cannot stand the cold weather. Two, he hates the color white, and three, he is allergic to the smell of gun powder.