Written by Juvenal Delinquent
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Topics: God, suicide

Friday, 17 December 2010

image for God confirms intervention in Florida school board shooting
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Panama City, FL. - School superintendent Bill Husfelt, who survived a gunman's vendetta during a board meeting on Tuesday, claims God protected him when suspect Clay Duke opened fire on him and his colleagues. "God was standing in front of me, and I'll go to my grave believing that", he was quoted as saying.

Fortunately for Mr. Husfelt, he won't have to wait until his he's six feet under to find out, as the Supreme Being sent out a divine press release today confirming that He did, in fact, intervene on the board member's behalf.

"I, the Lord God Almighty, would just like to say that I was in attendance at Tuesday's board meeting, and that I did deflect the bullets aimed at Mr. Husfelt by making sure the shooter couldn't hit the side of a barn even if it was right in front of him", the press release revealed.

The good Lord then went on to apologize for all the other unlucky souls He didn't stand in front of that day and did die stating, "I would also like to apologize for not intervening on behalf of everyone else who died violently today, but contrary to popular belief, I cannot be everywhere at once."

God did not say why He chose to be at that particular meeting, but did hint that it was a slow day in the war zones and ghettos. An angelic spokesman added, "He wanted to relax, and chose to do so with the minutiae of technology in the classroom and the problems of head lice." God went on to emphasize, however, that He got to 'unkill' two birds with one stone by also, "saving that stupid woman from trying to disarm the shooter with her handbag." So it wasn't like He totally took the day off.

Unbelievers argued that God singled out Mr. Husfelt for divine protection because of his blind faith. "God always plays favorites, especially for those who believe in him", quipped Norma Headily of the American Athiest Society. "This has been going on forever, and it's prejudicial plain and simple. Equal protection should apply to all human beings, regardless of whether or not they believe their faith entitles them to VIP access to some sort of endless family reunion in the 'afterlife', which is an oxymoron by the way and, quite frankly, sounds more like hell to me", she continued.

No mention of whether or not God also helped the security guard aim as straight as much as He rendered the suspect's crooked, however, He did say that Mr. Duke, despite being mentally unstable, poor and desperate, would probably not go to Heaven as, "he sinned against me by committing suicide."

God did say that he would convene a panel of saints to review Mr. Duke's status before making any final judgments.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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