Written by P.M. Wortham
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Thursday, 16 December 2010

image for Hilary Swank Disturbed by Hillary's Wank
The Midtown Intercontinental. Home of the Swank and the Wank.

A classic comedy of errors was to be witnessed this past week at the Hotel Intercontinental in New York, as the Oscar winning Hilary Swank's beauty sleep was disturbed by the former President of the United States and our current Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton.

Apparently stopping by the hotel for a weeknight "wank" while both traveling spouses were in town for separate political events, the walls reportedly shook as the over 60 crowd tore up the bedroom, making what hotel security characterized as "farm animal noises, clearly heard from the hallway". Adjoined accidentally to Ms. Swank's room, the presidential couple acted as if drunk on cheap tequila, excited by Trojan warming gel, and primed by an oyster appetizer with a crushed Viagra garnish.

The reporting pool had odds that the tequila, gel and Viagra would have to be involved at the very least in order to get the two to "engage" each other. "Ew. Not even with your Disco Stick", commented one beat reporter to another who was apparently wearing a Lady GaGa Tee Shirt.

"Typically we separate our premiere guests to avoid just this sort of disturbance. When Pauly Shore used to come here in the 9o's, we would clear out a whole floor for him, and not because we wanted to", says hotel assistant manager, Evan Bainbridge. "Shore was a pig. Then again that pretty much sums up the noises coming from the former President's room".

Ms. Swank remained magnanimous throughout the ordeal, quietly asking to be moved to a different room, "preferably three floors away, on the opposite side of the building", she was heard to say. Based on the notoriety of the presidential guests, the Clintons were not asked to move or to quiet down. "We felt it was best just to let them tire themselves out, which based on their respective ages lasted just a few minutes after the disturbance began", says Bainbridge.

"In the end we were happy that our Hollywood star, Ms. Hilary caught some winks, that Ms. Clinton caught a wank, and that our former President wet his Willy".

No word if Ms. Clinton was wearing a blue dress.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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