HOLLYWOOD - Simon Cowell, aka The British Bulldog, was in Tinsel Town taking care of business matters regarding his brand new show X-Factor.
The singing reality show is a spin-off of his highly successful X-Factor from London, England.
Cowell has already secured Dancing With The Stars' Derek Hough's sexy-as-hell girlfriend Cheryl Cole to sit in one of the judges seats.
London's Duke of Disdain pointed out that he is thrilled that his American show will be graced as was his British show with the amazingly talented and gorgeously assed Cheryl Cole.
The British songbird remarked that she is excited, honored, and gobsmacked (amazed). She grinned and added that she also has a wonderfully sensuous tingling sensation in her lower region that is about two steps below the tingling sensation that she receives from her blonde boyfriend Dereky, an endearing name she stated she calls him in bed.
Cowell, who is the founder and CEO of 19th Hole Productions has said that he has contacted Rolling Stones lead singer and personal friend of his Mick Jagger about joining him and Cheryl at the judges table. Simon hesitated but admitted that he even got down on one knee and begged Mick to say yes.
The Count of Criticism, as Cowell is known in Wales, remarked that if he can secure the services of the old-as-water Mr. Jagger then he has no doubt that his new show will literally blow his old show American Idol out of the bloody blooming water.
Cowell said that he wants for Mick Jagger to go against American Idol's new judge Aerosmith's Steven Tyler in a head-to-head battle of The Gigantic British Lips versus The Gigantic American Lips.
Simon, The Sultan of Sarcasm, smiled and noted that as far as the female judges go; American Idol judge Jennifer Lopez' ass is about ten friggin blimey times bigger than Cheryl's 'normal sized' butt.
He laughed and said that he has heard from a very reliable source that AI host Ryan Seacrest remarked to his girlfriend Julianne (Hough) that J.Lo is going to have to use two chairs in order to support her mammoth badonkadonk (caboose).
Cowell, The Royal Rude Dude was asked if he missed Randy The Black Dawg Jackson. The Captain of Cutting Remarks grinned and replied, "Hell no. If I may be truthfully honest here, for the past four years all that I ever heard come out of The Black Dawg's mouth was that this singer or that singer was too pitchy dawg, it was just alright dawg, it was way to freakin pitchy dawg, it sucked the big dog biscuit dawg, and damn dawg, it was just too effen ah...pitchy.
SIDENOTE: Mick Jagger still insists that the 1972 song "You're So Vain" by Carly Simon was about him. Others believe that it was about James Taylor and a lot of folks think that the song was about Warren Beatty. The only thing that Carly has said is that the song is most definitely not about that crazy son-of-a-bitch weird Al Yankovic.